Happy Hallowe'en!!

This is Daniel's Hallowe'en poem that he made up last night.

He was supposed to write a story, but asked if he could write a poem instead. Sure, if it keeps him enjoying putting pencil to paper - I'm all for it. If the teacher has a problem with it, they can talk to me about it.

Write on Daniel!

Way to Go Coach!

Our Daniel has really been wanting to quit soccer, but we have persuaded him to hang in there for a little while longer, hoping we could stretch things out until his assignment to his permanent team to see if things would improve with a different coach and team of players. Wishing that he'd manage to hang in until the end of the season.

The season started out with such high hopes. In early September, Daniel was very excited to start playing soccer. As a family we've been playing ball with him at every opportunity - that soccer ball comes everywhere with us. He's been enjoying it - one would be hard-pressed to wipe the smile from his face. He passes, dribbles, runs up and down the field, steals the ball from me... You get the idea - he has fun.

However, his first coach clearly didn't inspire him, engage him, allow him to flourish on the field. Daniel would often remain stationary, watching as the ball rolled past, then he'd tilt his head back and raise his arms signalling defeat. When another child challenged him for possession of the ball, he would just relinquish it. A chase for possession would end two or three feet too soon, his cleats had suddenly applied the brakes. In frustration I'd call out "watch the ball Daniel", "RUN!!", "listen to the coach!" My opportunities for cheering were few, but when they occurred, I was over the top enthusiastic "great save!", "way to go!", "good kick!" I shared his feelings of defeat, futility and not belonging. After each practice and game I'd give him a giant hug and discuss any positives I could from the session.

Time marched on - we struggled through the month of September. We knew that each child in the league was being evaluated and that the teams were going to be assembled in an effort to evenly distribute talent. Over Thanksgiving weekend the children were assigned to their 'permanent' teams that they'd stay with until spring break. With difficulty, I resisted sending an email to the U9 coordinator to influence what team he would be assigned to. I didn't want to interfere, but I was fully anticipating having to step in if things didn't start to improve. This week we received the email announcing his team and new coach. Whew, it wasn't the same group as before.

His first practice with his new team as last night. We were the first to arrive at the field and met the new coach, Diana, and the team manager, Laura. Diana was immediately out on the field with Daniel, directing him to practice certain moves, keeping him moving, keeping him smiling and laughing. While she didn't encourage his robot inspired practice suggestions, she didn't shoot him down either. Gently, yet firmly she guided the team through the practice. I heard nothing but positive feedback from the parents and I didn't see a single child struggling on the field. The group interacted as a team, the boys calling each others' names out to pass, learning how to play different positions, absorbing the rules of the game.

In short Daniel's new coach, Diana, is wonderful. He was so excited to be playing; he was jumping up and down, waving his arms and loudly repeating every single word that came out of her mouth. Even from halfway across the field I could hear that he was hanging on her every word. Amazing.

I stood on the sidelines, thrilled to be witness to this transformation. What a difference a good coach makes!

A Balancing Act

I don't know how other mums do it. They manage to participate in almost every activity with their children, work full time, manage a beautiful house and garden and still have time to go away to some exotic location for holidays. They work out, maintain their own personal hobbies and manage to entertain friends and family on a regular basis. To an outsider the entire family looks perfect in their nice clean outfits, walking their tongue-lolling gigantic dog.

Let me be clear: I'm not that kind of mum. Nor do I want to be. While I do try to participate in Daniel's activities, my level of participation will be drastically pared back this year. I do work full time (thankfully), but managing the house and garden are quite frankly, beyond me. As for travelling, I'll let you know how our trip in November goes. Personal hobbies... does mending count?Entertaining... what's that? Although I'd love to have a dog, Daryle's allergies and my lack of energy just wouldn't work with a big pet, let alone the fact that our back yard isn't fenced. However, we'll soon have a goldfish for Daniel, I don't know why we haven't got one already - must add that to the to-do list.

Daryle and I have had a few discussions over the last little while. Some I remember, some I don't. (I'm rather disheartened that I don't recall some conversations in which, from what Daryle has told me, I was articulate, assertive, and my words struck a chord). This fall, as a family, we're focusing on my health and each other. We're also focusing on our home, making it a more comfortable, happy place to raise the boys. We're even considering selling the house and moving into another home that may be more manageable, requiring less maintenance, time and money.

Here are a couple of lists of fun and exciting things to do this fall:

For myself:

• Start taking my new medication. This will involve a lot of wincing, cursing, money flying from wallet and general discomfort
• Focus on establishing a daily routine. Crawl out of bed, work, stagger to and from activities, fall back into bed. Repeat
• Establish better sleeping habits
• Stay connected with friends and family. I don't know what I would do without you all. It would be a sad, bleak world

For the family:

• Get Daniel to soccer games and practices
• Practice soccer drills with Daniel throughout the week
• Get Daniel to his Cub meetings and events
• Participate in Cubs meetings as a helper
• Get organized for Christmas ahead of time (I know I won't have the energy to deal with it at the time)
• Spend time reading with the boys in the evening
• Spend time with Daniel while he does his homework
• Pick away at projects around the house
• Oh, and buy a goldfish and necessary goldfishy stuff to keep it alive

Together, I'm sure we can manage the items on these lists this fall. They're too much for me to handle on my own, but with Daryle's help and the being able to say "no" to requests of our energy/time/money we'll manage. Hopefully.

The Run

For once I feel at ease in my own skin. I'm running comfortably, easy in the knowledge that each stride is bringing me closer to safety. I can sense that I'm near the end, very close to being safe. Steady now, I just need to keep focused. Just a few more turns...

My heart and mind are both racing. My thinking is clear, my body doesn't hurt, I'm enjoying the run despite being chased. "Catch me if you can!" Always looking a few feet ahead, so far I've been able to overcome all obstacles in my way. Jumped over rocks, skidded down gravel slopes, manoeuvred around puddles and outrun the foreboding shape following me.

Twigs snap underfoot, gravel crunches and the sky darkens rapidly. Nearly there. Over and over I tell myself "keep going, you can do it." In time with my breathing, my feet hit the ground, the drum-like rhythm keeps me focused. Glancing over my shoulder, I can see that the shadow has almost caught up to me. I feel a chill as it reaches out to grab me. I regret having looked back. Now I'm distracted, panicking. Faster, I need to run faster. There must be a secret to getting away. I cut sharply to the right then to the left, zig-zagging in the hopes that it can't corner very well. As luck would have it (or not), the shape follows me, easily taking the course changes in stride. The shadow's right behind me and yet I'm so close to being safe. My odds of either being overtaken or escaping feel equal.

My breath doesn't come as easily now, stiffness sets in as my legs begin to ache. I push myself hard to get away, I will not give up. Never. My God this hurts...

Without warning the ground disappears from underfoot. Suddenly I'm airborne. Falling rapidly towards the river below. I try to scream, but no sound comes out. Frantic now, I...

G A S P ! ! ! ! !

I bolt up in bed...

Thump thump thump thump. My heart continues racing as I become aware that I've been dreaming. My run wasn't real. The shadow wasn't real. My pounding heart certainly is though. At 2:00am I know that there's no chance of falling back to sleep again tonight.

And Now For Something Completely Different

It was one of  those opportunities that you just don't say no to. Chances to appear in a documentary don't come along every day. And I just couldn't say no, given that I find allergies and our seemingly compromised immune systems incredibly interesting. And with all my goofy health issues this year, it was sure nice to focus on something completely different.

However, when Bruce and his team from the Nature of Things first arrived at the house, I wondered if I had made the right decision accepting the invitation to appear in the program. They wanted shots of the house, shots of the playground, shots of our living room, shots of me. Sheesh, I don't know if I'm relaxed and confident enough to just accept both the house and myself as we are and be set free, so to speak, in a documentary. With any luck they'll be able to edit out all of my perceived nastiness. What the heck, it's my home and I should be happy with it as it is.

So... Bruce and his crew filmed the boys playing on the playground and playing with bubbles. Then we all traipsed inside to watch Rosita, the woman in charge of sample collections with the CHILD allergy study, "collect" dust samples and pretend to take Andy's diaper. It felt so odd, I had a difficult time believing anyone watching the documentary was going to buy into our awkward "Here's his diaper, thank-you for coming" interaction. I'm definitely not an actor, this became glaringly clear as they filmed. The sound guy's microphone hovered ever closer as Rosita and I spoke at the door. Sound? Really. My goodness - I'm definitely outside my comfort zone. I'll be absolutely shocked if our brief conversation makes Bruce's final cut for the documentary. But the reality, way back when Andy was an infant, was actually remarkably similar to what was so terribly re-enacted.

During Rosita's sample collecting spree, Bruce commented on how cute and natural Andy was in front of the camera. Wondering what exactly he was referring to, I looked over and saw Andy sucking on the end of Rosita's vacuum cleaner. Cute? No, I don't think so. Disturbing? Yes.

After Rosita had packed up her things and left the house, we had to get down to business and do the dreaded interview.

Of course now I've had time to think. I could have said some intelligent things like: "I think, as a species, we've messed with Mother Nature too much and our immune systems no longer know how to react." or "I hope that we'll soon figure out where we've gone wrong and will be able to reset our immune systems, and in effect reduce or eliminate diseases like type 2 diabetes, MS, Parkinson's, rheumatoid arthritis and others that are considered to ultimately be autoimmune disorders." Shamefully, in reality I told Bruce "no, I don't have anything else to add."

However, what's done is done. I should be content that Andy behaved like an angel and Daniel enjoyed himself. As for me - I'm just glad it's over.

Gentle Assertiveness

Teamwork is the ability to work together toward a common vision. The ability to direct individual accomplishments toward organizational objectives.
 - Andrew Carnegie

An efficient office works well when people communicate well, allow each other to focus on their own responsibilities and support each other. If one person begins to neglect one or more of their duties or tries to take over the duties of others, the fine mesh of the office network begins to unravel. This picture is perfect: can you imagine what would happen if someone let go and tried to take over someone else's link?

At the moment I feel like my link is being taken over in subtle ways. Little duties, here and there, are being completed without my permission or input. Duties that are directly my responsibility, no one else's. I need to become assertive. Assertive in re-establishing my role in the network, assertive in getting my needs and the needs of others met in a friendly, respectful, positive manner. Recently, I've found myself just accepting changes around the office. Accepting without even questioning or checking into things or taking a moment to consider the ramifications. My decline into complacency has been worsening lately. It started a little while ago and has quickened its pace now to a rapid descent, or should I say plummet, bringing me to a sad but real level of distrust of the people I work with.

I cannot allow this to continue, the easy road never takes a person anywhere good. It always dumps you in some forlorn, ratty, smelly hole. These days I need to get back on top of my game at the office and manage things more closely. With my energy levels at an all time low and my thinking/analytical capabilities seem to be somewhat diminished, I can't risk losing my place in the network. I need the people around me at work to focus on what they're responsible for and let me focus on my own responsibilities. I had a brief, hopefully not too unpleasant, discussion this morning about duties and responsibilities. While I appreciate that the person I was speaking with had been trying to help ease some of the perceived burden I'm under at the moment, taking initiative to perform work that I would normally do, I explained that I would prefer they ask first before proceeding. For now I can manage quite well, if I need help, I will ask for it.

Being assertive with myself sounds silly. But I have to push myself to complete certain tasks and stay focused. Often these days I struggle, in complete silence, with tasks that I once performed while whistling, listening to the radio and possibly even chatting on the phone. It's as though most of my brain cells have vacated my brain and haven't left any instructions for the remaining ones. I imagine my little herd of cognitive abilities roaming around on my desk. When I try to round them up and put them to good use, they gather together, lemming-like, and dash themselves over the edge of the desk into a sad heap on the floor. Rather than just give up, I must redouble my efforts and make new connections in my brain. In effect replacing the abilities that threw themselves over the cliff and try to resuscitate the few that remained. I'm really counting on the fact that I haven't been using all of my brainpower - isn't that what they say? We hardly begin to touch on the potential of our brainpower? With any luck the activities of puzzling and working through challenges at the office, making new connections between brain cells will keep me in good order.

I'm hopeful that re-establishing the tried and true network of duties in the office will be effective and that my perseverance with resurrecting my own abilities will have positive results.

Falling Behind

I've fallen behind on my ukulele practicing. It was going so well, too.

And then holidays happened. And then I returned to work at the beginning of August. And then I was still trying to squeeze in visits with friends. And then, and then. I haven't tuned or played my ukulele since mid July. Guess what I'm going to be doing this evening? That is if I can get away from the dishes, dinner prep, lunch prep and laundry long enough. Even if I find the time, practicing is fraught. Here's how I picture the evening unfolding:

Tune ukulele. I've nicknamed it Little Green, LG for short. I usually begin practicing with Edelweiss. It's a simple, easy song to play and it always puts me in a cheerful frame of mind. Strum, strum, practice changing chords. Begin singing... You know how it goes, sing along with me.

Andy, wanting to play with me, reaches up and grabs all the strings at once and pulls. While I understand that he's just being curious and wanting to have fun like me; I cringe as I carefully extricate his little fingers from the strings. Time to tune LG again.

Okay, here we go...

Strum, strum, hum a little, then sing. Repeat as necessary. This time around I'm standing so that I can practice without little fingers getting in the strings. Things are going quite well, we're just ticking right along. Whoosh... The fan blows my music onto the floor. Arrrgh. Gosh, I need a music stand. Or... what've I got around here that I can make do with in a pinch? Tape. A piece of tape to stick the music to my armoire oughta do the trick.

Much better. Just as I settle into practicing again, I realise that it is 8:30pm and the boys are still wide awake. Oh well, perhaps they'll go down quickly and I'll be able to return to practicing. Wishful thinking. An hour of crying later (mostly on Andy's part) and I'm exhausted. I can hardly find the energy to get ready for bed, I'd rather just collapse on the bed and deal with my jammies later.

Goodnight LG, hopefully we'll have a better practice session tomorrow.

Group Link Camp Adventure

After work on Friday I walked with Sherry, both in flourescent yellow safety raingear, through the torrential rain across the Alex Fraser Bridge. Little did I realize that this was an omen as to how the weather would behave over the coming weekend.

At 6:00pm, after a quick change of clothes, frantically packing our gear and gulping down a quick snack, Daniel and I were ready to head up to Cultus Lake for the 4th Surdel Scouts Group Link Camp. Not surprisingly, we barely made it to camp on time. Pulling in at 7:30 on the dot, Daniel and I threw our bags out of the van and set off to locate our sleeping quarters. As Daryle pulled away with Andy, I felt a twinge of anxiety. We were now effectively stranded here for the entire weekend. My recent medical issues have left me feeling vulnerable, but I settled into our cabin determined to enjoy this adventure with Daniel and his Beaver Scouts group.

Welcome to the 2012 Group Link Camp

Medieval Adventure

Daniel guarding the door to our cabin.

Within a few minutes we'd thrown our things in the Birch cabin and headed over to the main hall to meet up with the rest of the group. Together, Daniel and I constructed his shield and sword. Daniel did a great job tracing and cutting out his cardboard armour. Once covered in foil and duct tape, he decorated his pieces with his self-designed coat of arms and encrusted them with jewels and glitter glue. It was a little difficult to get him to part with his shield and sword long enough to head into the field for the official opening ceremonies.


As all the groups gathered for the final opening ceremony, tears started to well up in my eyes. I'll truly miss all of our new friends. They're such a fantastic group of people; the adults all inspire me in one way or another and the kids... they're amazing! It has been such a pleasure throughout the year to help during the meetings, interacting with the children and leaders. After the opening ceremony we headed over to the campfire, complete with hot dogs and marshmallows. Drizzling rain didn't put a damper on anyone's spirits, it looked as though everyone was having a great time.

Our final opening ceremony with Beavers

After wrapping up at the campfire we returned to our cabins and prepared for the night. I was still too wide awake to sleep and when Daniel was settled into his sleeping bag, I headed down to the campfire to chat with the adults. This is another aspect of Scouts that I love - getting to know the other adults. It was fantastic talking with them. Unfortunately, within half an hour the sky opened up and we had to hurry for shelter (of course after dousing the fire). My flannel jammies a little wet from the grass, I crawled into my sleeping bag, plugged in my earplugs and settled in for the night. About an hour later I awoke to hear that Daniel couldn't sleep and needed to cuddle. After half an hour of cuddling, he went back up to his bunk. Another half hour later he declared that he had to go to the washroom. There was no doubt this was true, judging by the amount of fidgeting. Together we ran in the rain from the cabin to the washrooms. Snug and tight again in our sleeping bags, I thought our escapades were over with for the night, but I was sadly mistaken. Daniel had misplaced his earplugs in all of our activity! Oh no! This is a small catastrophe - he gets so upset when he hears people snoring, or even just breathing heavily that he'll begin crying. I can still hear the rustling plastic crinkling as I rifled through my bag for another pair.  My deepest apologies to everyone in our cabin for our constant disturbances. Still unable to sleep, Daniel climbed down the ladder one last time, I think it was now 3:00am, to check if the glitter glue was dry yet on his shield and sword. Ugghhh.

Daniel canoeing with Tony and his father, David

Needless to say, 7:00am came very early. Luckily a nice light breakfast awaited us in the mess hall. I devoured some yogurt and fruit while Daniel inhaled his ham and egg English muffin sandwich. After filling their little bellies, the children headed over to the hall to construct their mini catapults. Too cool! Built from popsicle sticks, glue, two wooden clothespins, a plastic spoon and an elastic, they worked surprisingly well. Next activity - canoeing! This was Daniel's favourite activity so far. He went out in a canoe with his friend Tony and Tony's father David.

Quick lunch of buns with cold cuts and veggies and the white tails (third year Beavers) were linking with the Cubs, building a castle fort together. One of the main purposes of the group camp is to link the children (and probably their parents as well) from their old group, say Beavers, to their new group, Wolf Cubs. They're to meet their new friends and participate in the more advanced activities. Building a fort together was a great activity and the children worked well together. Using two large trees for the towers and placing a picnic table between them for support, the cardboard outer structure quickly took shape. I loved that the leaders were very strict about not permitting any damage to the trees. They were taped around, tied to, wedged into and climbed on, but no nails, staples or cuts were used. After constructing the castle fort they made and hid their flag. The plan was that the different groups would have a mock battle on the field then raid each others' forts to capture the flags. Unfortunately the groups didn't get the chance to have their battle.

The Forest Frenzies playing in their fort

As we were standing in the field admiring the various forts, the wind swept in, clouds rolled across the sky and a coldness enveloped us. Within minutes a nasty storm was upon us. Adults scrambled to take down the picnic table canopies as the wind attempted to tear them from our hands. As we disassembled the last canopy the Group Commissioner began sounding the air horn and blowing his whistle to gather everyone into the hall. It was quite a sight: children and adults running from every direction towards the hall as the storm began to pummel everything around us. Power had already been lost and some of the younger children began to cry, thinking that a tornado was upon us. As the head-count was performed and the smaller kids were comforted, large tree limbs crashed down, one came down on a tent, another came down on one of the forts. The remaining forts were torn apart within minutes - they didn't stand a chance against the terrible wind. So much rain poured from the sky and ran down the slope and through the tents that all the sleeping bags in the tents were soaked. Even after the worst of the storm had blown through, the children had to be accompanied by an adult to leave the building.

Look out! He's armed and dangerous!

A somewhat meager dinner of chicken legs or meatballs, perogies or fries plus leftovers from lunch was devoured. Unfortunately, a few boxes of frozen food hadn't been thawed and cooked - they'd been forgotten in the freezer. Some folks actually didn't get first helpings and went hungry. I can understand why they were upset, I would have been as well. Everyone was very hungry after so much activity since lunchtime and no snack had been provided.


Building crossbows certainly took everyone's minds off dinner. The children were over-the-top excited that they'd have a real weapon! This was indeed a cringe-worthy craft. I suppose it had a few purposes: to teach the children to respect a potentially dangerous piece of equipment, fine motor skills development, patience as parents struggled to assemble the crossbows. The results were great though! Fully charged with confidence, the children loved target practice and tried their best to keep their weapons pointed to the ground and wait patiently. (ha!) We knew the activity was a success when the Beavers didn't want to stop and the parents began target practice themselves afterwards. Our Daniel was the first child to have his crossbow confiscated. He just couldn't resist going 'hunting' at the playground. Is he my child? Nope, never seen him before. Sheesh. However, no time to dwell on talking to him about his hunting escapade, a scavenger hunt awaited!

Steady  Aim  Fire!!!
Gotta love the shorts and gumboots.

After all the treasures had been collected, we participated in the group ceremonies where the older children from one group move up to the next group. The older Beavers "swam up" to meet their new Wold Cub group and the the oldest Cubs met their new Scouts group, and so on. As you can see Daniel was so proud to be moving up to Cubs.  He was so focused on the ceremony and behaved very well. I was so proud of him. 


After the moving up ceremonies, we were all campfire bound. Appetites were satiated to a degree with popcorn (thankfully no longer being stored beneath my dining table) and songs were sung with enthusiasm. Daniel was exhausted though and started to wander off towards the cabin. Not worth the fight to try to keep him awake, I said our good-nights and followed him. The rest of the group stayed up only another forty five minutes around the campfire and within the hour we were all snug as bugs in our sleeping bags. However, at 12:30am Daniel woke the cabin up by crashing out of his bunk. Malek rushed over to make sure he was alright and stayed with us until he'd settled into the cot at the foot of my bunk. We didn't want to chance him falling from heights again. Luckily he'd landed on our bags and suffered only a scratched and bruised chin.

Waiting with his fellow Beavers to swim
up to Wolf Cubs

Scheduled to meet Sam and the Venturers in the kitchen at 7:00am, I bolted out of my sleeping bag at 6:50am. Only a couple of minutes late, I rushed into the kitchen to find Sam already cooking the sausages on the grill. Happily the power was finally back on! I broke 5 cases of frozen sausages apart, toasted 10 large trays worth of waffles and two trays of English muffins, made countless pots of coffee... It was fun. I even managed to sit next to Daniel as he ate his last couple of mouthfuls before he ran off to play. I quickly polished off my breakfast then started on the cleanup prior to inspection. The parents cleaning with me were fantastic, we all worked really hard and did a great job!

Daryle and Andy rolled in and loaded up our van just in time to walk down and witness the official closing ceremonies. Andy ran around on the field a little bit and then we piled into the van and meandered home, not wanting the adventure to end.

Saluting the Wolf Cubs leader. Note that he's no longer a Beaver; his hat and necker have symbolically been left behind with the Beavers. Well done Daniel!

Cheerful, Rainy Day

It is my father's birthday today. Happy Birthday Dad!!

When I was quite young, every Saturday morning we would go for a walk, rain or shine. How I loved walking with him in the rain. We talked about... anything, everything.

As the rain began to fall this afternoon, I began to hum a tune. Then a few words started to fill in. Very quickly a little simple song evolved. I wish I could write the tune down, perhaps I'll pick out the chords on my ukulele and jot them down sometime. Anyways, here's my little ditty:

                                                                   

Here comes the rain

Falling, tapping on the windowpane,

knocking at the door.

Come outside and play, to me it sang.

La, la, la, la, la la

Rivulets of water, my hollow soul to fill,

resist them if you can, resist them until…

Rain drops, splashing, laughing as they fall,

tickle down my back. What a sense of thrill.

Take my hand, sing with me.

Together we’ll dance. Together we’ll be.

Rain washes all the pain away,

Rejoice in the rain, come dance with me.

La, la, la, la, la la

                                                                 

Have a lovely weekend!

Nope - Not Accepting This - Can't Make Me

Am I behaving childishly? Absolutely.

Be assured that the childish behaviour will continue. I'm stomping my little foot, digging my heels in, having a little pouty fit with my arms crossed. You bet. I'm ticked!!

Diagnosis of MS via email is cold - very cold hearted. Frankly, I'm not buying into the diagnosis. Call it denial, putting my head in the sand, keeping the blinders on...

My charming neuro opthalmologist finally had his secretary respond to my email that I had sent to him last week. The reply indicated that I have been diagnosed with MS and that the purpose of my attending the MS Clinic is to confirm his diagnosis. As far as treatment, he's said that any decision regarding treatment is up to the discretion of the MS Clinic and that they may prescribe steroids or some other medication. Dear Mr Neuro Opthalmologist has clearly stepped out of the ring as far as far as attempting to get to the bottom of what's going on with my vision. That's just fine. Quite frankly, I feel like washing my hands of him too.

So, where am I headed from this point?

I've already begun the process of obtaining a second opinion.

I also have an appointment at the Stillpoint Project office to meet with Dr. Blaney. I'm really hoping that he can help me. He's well known for his treatment of autoimmune issues and I've heard good reports from one of his patients relating to how he has helped to improve their overall health.

Now I must revert back to my normal, responsible, quiet self and get on with life. Must focus on my day to day life. Today, I think I'll walk over to pick up the boys from Liz's, drop off the last of the popcorn money for Daniel's scout group and make the business bank deposit along the way. Deep breath. Smile. Laugh even. It's beautiful outside - I'm going to open the blinds to let in some of the gorgeous sunshine!

Thankful

Low doesn't begin to describe my mindset over the past week. Yesterday was especially depressing.

"Don't look it up online. No matter what you do, don't look it up online." I can't tell you how many times I've heard that. Have I listened? Nope. In my curiosity I went online to check out the MS clinic to which I've been referred. It looks like a support system for people with MS (not surprisingly given its name). BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH MS!!!!! Pardon me, but: WHAT THE HELL!! I don't want to sit in a circle and commiserate, I don't want to know how to deal with MS. I don't want to meet the people working there (I'm sure they're all very pleasant, but I don't wanna - can't make me). I don't want to know anything about it yet. I don't want to walk through their doors - thank-you very much. Yikes, did I say those things?

Perhaps, after checking out the MS clinic website, sending my neuro-opthamologist an email asking questions to which I don't think he has the answers, wasn't my best decision yesterday. He hasn't even responded and I know he's in his office today. What am I to do? Wait? Hang tight? Sit quietly with my hands crossed on my lap like a good girl? Bullshit. Those of you who know me, know that I'm utterly incapable of just waiting without taking any action. Patience is not one of my virtues.

I need inspiration.

A plan.

Guidance.

Recently on Mennonite Girls Can Cook, a blog that I follow, one of the contributors discussed dealing with daily problems, both large and small. Here are some points I've gleaned:

1. Realise that a problem free life is an unrealistic and false expectation. It sounds very negative, but it's true. Troubles will happen. Life is still rewarding and full of joy even with the problems that come our way.

2. Begin each day anticipating problems and at the same time mentally prepare for them. When problems are expected, they won't blindside me. I don't want to sound like a pessimist, but consider this: a tree that has been buffeted my many storms is prepared to suffer through many more. If a tree has led a sheltered and quiet life, it will fall in the lightest storm that first comes its way. I am the strong, prepared tree. I'm in the middle of a tempest right now and frankly, I'm okay. I'm still standing tall.

3. Consider troubles with a thankful heart. View a problem in a positive light instead of seeing it as a negative. I can choose to hit the panic button or to be thankful that I have the opportunity to take a deep breath and calmly assess the situation. Take my current situation for example: I am choosing to be thankful that some of my sight has returned and to think positively that it will continue to return. I am thankful that I've been able to see the specialist and have all of the necessary tests performed in a timely manner. I am thankful that I'm surrounded by people who care about my well being and continue to support me. I am thankful that I have a sense of humour about my situation. And so on... Choosing thankfulness changes my perspective.

Well, I'm feeling a little better now. I'm going to make some phone calls and see what I can do about my situation. I'm not angry, not ticked off. I'm glad that I'm able to make the calls myself, that I can still have some amount of control over my life. I can deal with this, it's not so difficult. Day by day, problem by problem.

"You Have... Oh Wait, We Still Don't Know"

Disappointment. I think that's what I'm feeling. Numb as well. Let's throw in discouraged for good measure. Yesterday's appointment with my neuropthamologist should have been more enlightening. After scheduling my follow up appointment for three months down the road, the purpose of which is only to monitor my visual status, I left feeling like I'd been set adrift to fend for myself. There was no longer any urgency to discovering the cause of my issues and there's nothing anyone could do to improve my situation.

The MRI performed on Monday revealed that there is indeed some white matter present on my optic nerves as well as other parts of my brain. Not enough to completely confirm MS, but enough to raise suspicions that something is amiss. What though? With the decreased likelihood of a virus being the cause of my troubles, they're now focusing on autoimmune diseases. MS hasn't been ruled out, but Devic's disease has now been thrown into the ring as well as "some other rare autoimmune disease". Some other? Isn't there a simple test to determine what's happening?

So, now I wait to hear when my appointment at the MS clinic will be. Apparently, that's where I'll find out the extent of the nerve damage to my reflexes and hopefully point us in the direction of determining which autoimmune disease it is that I have.

Is there any good news? Yes, there must always be a little good news. Right?

My colour vision has improved. Not back to what it should be, but it's not terrible either. Just don't ask me to determine the difference between pink and lilac. I can't see them. They're grey. But yellow, red, blue, green, orange (sort of) are back in strange and bizarre ways. They all look a little "off", but at least I can see things in more than various shades of oatmeal.

I have also had a significant improvement in seeing things that are in close proximity to me. Paperwork, books, food on the cutting board, my ukulele - all these things are quite clear. The white still creeps in a bit in its effort to overtake dark letters when reading, but I can read without too much difficulty.

The news relating to my long distance vision isn't so rosy though. It has worsened since last week. Damn. I was feeling quite positive about going through the eye chart and was quite deflated when I couldn't make out the next row of letters; a row that I had been able to see with a little difficulty last week. Yesterday, I questioned whether there were letters actually there or not. I couldn't even see the shape of them.

Good Morning Toothbrush!

I'm on top of the world this morning - I was able to see my toothbrush! Let me put this into context: on the weekend my toothbrush had essentially disappeared, to the point that I put the toothpaste on the wrong side, only to realize my mistake when I put it into my mouth. Ha!

Yellow's back again as well. I saw it briefly Tuesday morning, much to my delight. I hope it stays around for more than a couple of hours this morning. Even if it vacates the building again though, I'm hopeful that I will see it again soon.

It has been a busy couple of weeks, trying to get to the bottom of what's going on with my sight. Here's my timeline of what's been happening:
Monday, 5-14-12: noticed that my computer screen looked a little odd. It was as though the white background was trying to engulf the black text. Yellows and light colours seemed blindingly bright, while the dark colours appeared darker than usual.
Wednesday, 5-16-12: made optometrist appointment for following Tuesday
Friday, 5-18-12: called optometrist in desperation to see them earlier - no luck
Monday, 5-21-12: beginning to have difficulty driving, Daryle had to take over
Tuesday, 5-22-12: optometrist suspects optic neuritis - referral to Dr Anderson at St Paul's Hospital (SPH). Eyes otherwise healthy, field of vision not good, prescription changes ineffective, borderline for driving.
Wednesday, 5-23-12: vision worse this morning. Saw Dr Yang @ clinic (recommended going to emergency to get to a specialist more quickly). Back to work for morning, then drove home to park the van. Walked to have hot-lunch with Daniel. Daryle picked me up from the school and took me to emergency. ER sent me to Dr Tsuyuki who came to the same conclusions as optometrist and recommended that I see Dr Anderson as well. In the meantime I heard from Dr Anderson's office and had an appointment for 9:00 the next day.
Thursday, 5-24-12: vision worse this morning. Appointment with Dr Anderson was frustrating in that I had to go through some tests for the third time in three days: field of vision, colour plates, basic eye exam, etc. Was hoping to have some different tests performed, but such was not the case. Dr Anderson wanted an urgent CT Scan done, but his receptionist wasn't able to get anything before June 7th. She was able to make an appointment for a Vision Evoking Potentials test for the 28th and a followup appointment with Dr Anderson for June 7th. Very emotional night - felt like I was going blind and the medical system just didn't give a damn. With my vision diminishing each day, I was truly panicking.
Friday, 5-25-12: better grip on myself today - not quite so emotional. Made arrangements for a CT Scan at office in False Creek in the afternoon (love the private system, too bad it's so expensive).
Monday, 5-28-12: VEP test (alternating checkerboard) this afternoon. After the test Ted made arrangements for me to follow up with Dr Anderson the next morning at 8:30.
Tuesday, 5-29-12: Saw yellow for a few hours this morning! Also saw whole birds in the sky, instead of the glimmer that a bird may have flown by, that I've been seeing lately. Dr Anderson's office. VEP test showed that the signals from my eyes are delayed in getting to my brain, indicating demyelination of optic nerves which falls in line with either a viral infection or MS. OCD test performed again to check retina. Scheduled for Goldman test on June 7th and need to arrange an MRI.
Wednesday, 5-30-12: no improvement this morning. Trying to make MRI appointment, no success yet. Hope to hear tomorrow about appointment.

Throughout all of this activity, I've been trying to keep life as normal as possible, working whenever I can, exercising, cooking and caring for my family. All of these have been challenging. At work my screen settings have been changed to high-contrast, extra large font in addition to using magnifiers. I've been itching to use my new Zumba DVD, so I tried to follow it the other night - hilarious. So I had Daniel join me in the hopes of following his moves. Wrong, trying to follow an uncoordinated 8 year-old's moves while keeping an eye on the screen was dizzying! Even cooking is different. For example, I can't see where the knife blade is on a tomato or how big the slices are. Also, red and brown look the same (a big issue when cooking burgers). Personal care has also presented a few challenges: I can't see my own face and nails, let alone see Andy's nails well enough to trim them. Perhaps we'll be heading to a salon for a pedicure in the near future. There's gotta be an upside here somewhere.

Today, I'm just hoping to hold onto the colour yellow and not use my magnifiers quite so much. Fingers crossed.

No Less Alarmed

Well, other than being assured that my actual eyeballs are fine, I'm no further ahead in figuring out what is happening to my sight.

My optometrist performed all the usual tests (checking blood vessels, peripheral vision, pressure, prescription...) and found nothing conclusive. Here's what was discovered: my vision has rapidly deteriorated to the point where if it gets any worse I need to stop driving. My vision is now border-line for being able to operate a vehicle. Yikes. She didn't want to speculate as to the cause of what is going on, but used the term optical neuritis a few times. Then she stopped talking, saying that she didn't want to unduly alarm me. Too late - I'm already there.

I hope to hear from the specialist soon. Before I can't see at all.

I don't want to wallow, but... BLOODY HELL!!! I have things to do, I'm just getting going, picking up speed. These are some of the things I was looking forward to in my life in the near future: becoming a cub scout leader, volunteering on the school PAC, running again (just bought new funky runners), continuing to manage the office at work, possibly participate with Andy in a documentary that I've been contacted about, participate in a focus group on property tax assessment... the list goes on and on. I don't have time for this!!!

Deep breath. I need to focus on the here and now. I'm going to sign off, finish some work at the office, pick up the boys, and then make dinner. I'm not deeply religious, but I feel that we're given what we can cope with. New realities become our revised version of normal, we carry on. We have to, the alternative sucks.

Nervous, Worried

I don't know what to say. I'm quite worried about my sight.

I'm going to see my optometrist at 11:00 this morning. Best case scenario: give it time, your sight will get better in a few days. Worst case scenario: you've permanently damaged your eyes and you're going blind (little melodramatic - no?)

This has come on so suddenly. I noticed it when I began work last Monday morning. It got progressively worse through the week and I've got big problems this morning, just over a week later.

My reality is such that I can barely see my computer screen - I can barely see the words I'm typing. Colours are slowly vanishing - they've been reduced to various shades of grey. On the weekend, for example, when I tried to play I-spy with Daniel, I couldn't tell that the item he was spying was even green - it looked dark grey to me. This morning I thought I had taken my dark blue sweater out of closet and only realized that I had my grey sweater on when there was no tie to wrap around me.

I took the family for a drive yesterday. I wanted to "kidnap" Daryle and the boys and go to Fort Langley. But as I drove along it became such a strain, both on my eyes and on my nerves. I was unable to see how much fuel I have and the speedometer is very difficult to see. I felt worried that I'd miss observing some critical event that I should be able to avoid, but wouldn't be able to see and react to quickly enough to avoid an accident. I asked Daryle to drive and after we switched seats I quietly cried, tears welling up.What am I going to do if I'm going blind?

I need to be strong - I can't let anyone know I'm so worried. But I don't think I can carry on hiding it for long.

Where the hell is the cursor!!!!! I had to hit "control end" to locate the damned thing. I was going to edit some of my text above, but can't navigate through the text with either the arrow keys or the mouse. Anger. Frustration. As I can't see the frigging screen - I'm signing off. I'll try to keep you posted when I'm back. With any luck I'll have happy news.

Progress - Slowly But Surely

I'm not diabetic.

That was my mindset when I began my type 2 diabetic journey earlier this year. Since then I've come to terms with diabetes being part of my life. In fact, I'm beginning to appreciate that I'm very lucky - at this point I'm med-free. That said, I won't fight the meds when the time comes. Initially, it felt very strange to focus on my own needs. I had always put myself at the bottom of the priority heap, but it feels good to focus on my own health and I'm feeling stronger. Happier.

Meal decisions are becoming easier. Easier being the key word. I no longer yearn for what others are eating. Who am I kidding? To be honest I don't yearn quite as much. Frankly, I would still like that pizza, hamburger bun or the handful of caramel corn. Despite my initial reluctance, I'm finding that lettuce wraps, salads and the like are quite tasty. Mom would be proud.

Two of the biggest lifestyle changes I've made have been diet, of course, and exercise now plays a big role in my day. As the pounds are falling off with my improved eating habits, I'm feeling more inclined to stretch my arms and legs. I've morphed into that annoying enthusiastic mother at scouts meetings that actively participates in EVERYTHING. The more physical the activity, the better. My son's school occasionally has parent participation gym class; so I've been joining him for Zumba whenever my work schedule permits. I haven't had this much fun being active since I was a teen!

Let's see, what other progress have I made? A more polite person has emerged. Instead of my previous response of "Are you trying to kill me?" when a person offered a treat, these days I'd be more likely to say "None for me please, but thank-you for offering."

A monitoring mantra has also emerged: "It'll be over in less than a minute." I've found that keeping tabs on bgs is key (despite my doctor's instruction that I don't need to test - sheesh). My willpower just isn't strong enough to do away with testing. If I know I won't be testing before or after a meal I find myself slipping into former bad habits. So silly, I know there's no fooling my pancreas or liver, but it feels like a "free" meal. The testing process has been an issue. Who out there truly enjoys testing? Nobody. It's not that it is terribly time consuming or excruciatingly painful. It's just one more thing to do, amongst a thousand other things to do.

Motivation to "walk the walk" will be key in the future. I'm far from perfect (who is?) and I've got a long road ahead of me on my diabetic journey. In the meantime, day by day, I'm making progress.

In My Head - Music That Is

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen!!!

I've disappeared into music-land for the last little while and am just emerging to find that spring has sprung and a couple of months have... vanished. Music-land these days is a full body immersion into Canadian Indy music. Think Jeremy Fisher, Said the Whale, Mother Mother, Portage and Main, Joel Plasket, Sloan, Jill Barber and so on.

Meanwhile, what has been accomplished while listening to all this great music? I'm now caught up at work, relatively speaking. My dishes at home get done with a smile and I think I move more. My poor aching body tells me I'm moving more. Oh my bones! Oh my muscles! When the tunes aren't playing, they linger in my mind. I can't help but sing, hum, whistle and drum out my new-found melodies. I sense a re-emergence of my drumsticks and getting to know my new ukulele intimately. Ah, happiness. I dance and sing with the boys, hum while I walk and sing particular song lyrics to reflect my moods and thoughts.

Speaking of moving more, have you tried Zumba? My son, Daniel, has been asking me to join him for Zumba at school. I expected an event; something more than just a grade 2 gym class. I thought there were going to be many parents and children Zumba-ing together in the gym. I arrived at the school just as the children were filing into the gym, lining up in long rows and swinging their arms around to ensure ample room for their Zumba moves. Daniel shouted "Mommy, over here! Come stand with me!" Really? In amongst all the kids? A nod from the gym teacher, Mr. Clicks-the-Camera-a-Lot, and I headed over. Feeling somewhat like Gulliver amongst the Lilliputians, I positioned myself amid the throng of excited 8 year-olds, between Daniel and Marcus from Beavers. I think there were 3 other moms, maybe. Sensibly, they stayed at the back of the pack, clearly not willing to humiliate themselves in the middle of the throng.

Oh well, what the heck. If I'm going to Zumba with Daniel, I'm going to do it wholeheartedly. Right beside him. The instructor began the workout, the music tempo picked up. I looked around to see if everyone was having a good time and all the kids and adults, myself included, were smiling. This was fun! In keeping with my "I will participate fully and enjoy myself" motto I found myself doing robot, bangra, cowboy, hip-hop and other unidentifiable moves. Not well, mind you, but with enthusiasm. Does that count? Daniel, you can invite me to Zumba anytime. I had a lot of fun. Hopefully I didn't embarrass you too badly.

Three Stages of Wiper Hell

Quick - bags in van, peel out of driveway. I'm off my game today. Daryle took Daniel on a road trip and I just couldn't seem to function and get out the door on time. Running much later than usual, I'm in a mad panic to drop Andy off at daycare and get to work. As I approach the stop sign at the top of our first hill the wipers start.

Swish swish? Really? I don't think I turned them on. Or did I? Swish swish.

We turn the corner and continue roaring up the hills towards daycare while I try to turn off the wipers. I rotate the knob on the lever. No change. Swish swish. I push on the lever. No change. Swish swish. I pull on the lever. Swish swish. Aaargghhh! Turn another corner and pull over. The wipers are already driving me bananas and they've only been swishing for a minute. Turn off engine, remove key, re-insert key, restart engine. Swish swish. Fine. Just fine. I will just focus on driving to daycare. Frig.

But the benevolent minivan gods are looking down from the heavens above and give me a break. The wipers just stop. Ahhhh. Relief. The rest of the journey to daycare and then work is uneventful.

After work I stop by the bank as usual to make the business deposit. It being a sunny afternoon I know I hadn't started the wipers. Noticing someone else's wipers going while walking through the parking lot I conclude that there must at least be one other poor soul having wiper issues today. Wrong. They were my wipers! Dang. This time around they're making scraping sounds, so that instead of swish swish, they sound like scritch scritch. Benevolent minivan gods, where are you? Scritch scritch.

The few blocks between the bank and daycare have suddenly become embarrassingly long. Scritch scritch. The no-longer-benevolent minivan gods are torturing me in retaliation for breaking some golden vehicle operating/maintenance law. Could it be because I haven't fixed the leaking radiator? Scritch scritch. Surely it can't be for the humiliatingly loud and grindy sounds my brakes make? Really, I thought I'd paid for that sin dearly when the brakes decided to seize on the way to taking Andy to the doctor's office. Besides, the brakes are almost new. Scritch scritch. I'm begging: please, please make the wipers stop...

SCRITCH SCRITCH

Park at daycare, stop the engine, go inside and retrieve the Andy. Even with the engine off...

SCRITCH SCRITCH


"Did you know your wipers are going?" a passer-by comments. "No, thank-you for pointing that out. I hadn't noticed" I hope the dark cloud over my head indicates to him that I'm being facetious.

Parking the van in the carport at home, I pull out the wiper arms, thinking that at least the battery won't be drained quite as quickly - less resistance. Wave wave. Wave wave. Try as I might I cannot get the damned things to stop. Even whacking the steering column doesn't work. What is Daryle going to think when he gets home from his road trip? Wave wave. I peek out the kitchen window occasionally as I feed Andy his dinner. Wave wave. Clear the table and tidy the kitchen a little. Wave wave.

Daryle calls to say that they're heading back. They're only a couple of hours from home. "Can't wait to see you Hon, drive safely" Wave wave. Bloody hell. I'm not going to have any battery left in the morning, I'd better start the engine to recharge the battery. After running for a minute or two - CLICK - the benevolent minivan gods take pity on me and the wipers stop. Not trusting them this time, I leave the wiper arms poking outwards.

Really Dear, they were constantly running. I couldn't get them to turn off. Daryle will never believe me. I just hope they behave themselves tomorrow.

Touching Base With Guidelines

I've lost my way with the new guidelines for keeping my relationship intact with Daniel and Andy. I've found myself slipping back into old, not-so-pleasant, habits. So, I need to revisit the guidelines:

1. Whenever possible, use STRUCTURE and RITUAL to impose order on behaviour.

2. ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY for doing what is in the best interests of the child and for keeping them out of trouble.

3. Always treat the child as if THEY WANT TO BE GOOD FOR YOU.

4. BRIDGE all problem behaviour and resulting discipline.

5. Always attempt to COLLECT BEFORE YOU DIRECT.

6. DEFUSE COUNTERWILL by hiding your agendas and drawing attention to a meaningless choice.

7. SCRIPT THE BEHAVIOUR of the immature.

8. DON’T OVERWORK the incident.
- Address the violation simply
- Bridge the problem behaviour
- Attempt to change or control the situation, not the child
- Set a date to debrief or address the problem
- Exit sooner rather than later
- Collect the child and do your work when you can keep the attachment intact

9. INFUSE FUN into the activity you wish to happen.

10. Walk confrontations with futility all the way to TEARS OF SADNESS.

11. SOLICIT GOOD INTENTIONS to inculcate values, prime a sense of responsibility, and sow the seeds of self-control.

12. When capable of mixed feelings, draw out the TEMPERING ELEMENT in the context of the troubling impulses. (I'm not sure what the tempering element means yet - will have to investigate further. Perhaps borrow DVD from library)

Whew, that's quite a list isn't it? It looks daunting, but let me say - it works.

But how on earth is my little pea-brain going to remember all of them? I can hardly remember where I live most days, let alone a list of twelve items. Way back, in a previous lifetime when I attended school, I used to memorise lists by repeatedly writing out whatever it was I was studying, each time I would make the item of study smaller and smaller, eventually contracting it down to a group of letters, a word, or a shape. When exam time came around I could just picture my notes and the information would come to mind. It's been a while since I've repeatedly handwritten anything, but perhaps I should try my old tried-and-true method once more.

If I'm seem walking with an empty stroller, holding onto a small tatty piece of paper and mumbling to myself it's not because I'm slightly deranged, I'm probably just on my way to pick up the boys and trying to memorize the guidelines along the way.

Not So Brilliant Parenting

Well, this morning started early. Really early. To be precise, it started at 4:43 am when Andy woke up. After the usual bottle preparation routine I thought I had him settled back down, but after a few short minutes he started screaming. Not a fussy little whine, but a full-throttle scream. He didn't want to be cuddled, didn't want his binky, he just wanted to scream - obviously he was in some discomfort. After throwing up and receiving a fresh diaper he still couldn't settle, so I gave him some Tylenol. After another half hour as I was getting ready for the day he settled and actually fell back asleep.

In the meantime though, Daniel had risen and wanted a hearty breakfast. Hearty. I don't know if toast and fresh fruit count as hearty, but he can have some oatmeal at daycare shortly to top him up. What he really wanted was pancakes. Sorry, not on a weekday. Definitely not at 5:30 am.

He then proceeded to open his Lego project and began assembling it. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, but he wouldn't put it away when it was time to leave the house. I was so tired I didn't even think of using my new guidelines to get through the situation. Ugh. I dread to think of how I sounded as I yelled "get your coat and shoes on RIGHT NOW!!!!"

When we had all piled into the van, Alex made a gurgle. Daniel poked him in the cheek. Alex started screaming again. I felt like pulling over and getting out of the van and walking home. Instead, I asked Daniel what he had done. Of course he didn't want to tell me, he was afraid I'd get mad again. Frankly, I can't blame him. I promised not to get mad, apologised for yelling at him, told him I loved him, and we moved on.

He finally told me that he had poked Andy. I didn't yell, I didn't get cross, I didn't even say "that's not nice". I did discus different ways for him to get Andy to stop gurgling, and what his role as a big brother entails, etc. I'm hoping that I didn't wreck all the progress we've made - it's so easy to fall back into bad/lazy habits. I'm not giving up though - I will keep trying.

The Flaming Garlic Toast Toss

Does your family have a history of accidental circus acts or magic tricks?

Mine does.

In the water department, there's the story of the disappearing water. I had inadvertently poured water directly into my breadmaker instead of the pan with very poor mechanical results. My cousin Ken brought the flaming taco event to our list of flame juggling acts. Oh, and I mustn't forget my entertaining exploding stove top element cover act from several years ago. Last night my parents added a new act to our list - the flaming garlic toast toss.

Earlier, they had left a voicemail message for Daniel to call them so they could wish him a happy birthday and happy Valentine's Day. Yet, when he did, the phonecall was quite odd. As I listened to the very one-sided conversation, it didn't sound like they were able to get any words in edgewise. When Daniel suddenly hung up the phone without passing it along to me I was puzzled. "Didn't they want to talk to me, Daniel?" He replied "No, they'll call back in half an hour."

How odd. They'll call back in half an hour?

When Dad called back later, after the usual discourse, he explained that they had been speaking to Daniel in the last frantic minute or two of dinner preparation. Apparently, as Daniel rambled on about his wonderful day, they had forgotten some garlic bread in the oven. Yikes! Well, what with garlic bread's combustible nature and all, it had burst into flames! With Daniel still on the phone, they frantically tried to blow out the flames - no success. Desperate to extinguish the flames, the garlic bread had been unceremoniously thrown into the sink for a good dousing, after which there was absolutely no hope of having garlic bread with their dinner. Picture the scene: charred bread slowly sogging into oblivion, the stench of smoke filling the house, unused fire extinguisher laying on the counter top, oven door left flung open after retrieval of the fiery bread, and my parents still trying to continue their conversation with Daniel so as not to douse his birthday/Valentine's enthusiasm! Oh my!

So, after getting off the phone, closing the oven door and (I'm sure) cursing at the burnt bread, Dad said that they had enjoyed a lovely steak and lobster dinner. Sure, uh-huh, right. I'm not certain that I would have been able to enjoy a meal after all that chaos.

Sweetness

Sweetness is...

... a big smooch and hug from Daryle this morning before he left for work.

... Daniel crawling into bed this morning and wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day before I've had a chance to wish him a Happy Birthday.

... Andy playing peek-a-boo with his blanket in his crib when I came to him this morning when he'd woken up.

... a co-worker placing some pink carnations on my desk at work this morning (and on Sherry's desk too - don't worry Daryle).

... Daniel listening very carefully to my explanation of why I can't eat a cookie. He had so many thoughtful questions, I'm so proud to have such a sweet and sensitive son.

I don't need chocolate or candy. I already have enough sweetness to make my Valentine's Day a very happy one!

Tempting

...or taunting?

Would you like a cookie? Have a Kit-Kat, one won't kill you. I won't tell anyone that you had a licorice. Who's gonna know?

As I'm typing I'm listening to Sloan's song, Unkind: "I don't know why you have to cross that line... you can be so kind - sometimes, and you can be unkind - sometimes"

Why do people feel compelled to tempt or taunt me? Do they think that this is a game? Perhaps they think that I'm just eating differently to lose a little weight, that my diabetes isn't something that I take seriously. I must take diabetes seriously though, the consequences of 'playing' with it are dire: organ damage, limb loss, blindness, and so on. You get the picture - the future is not pretty if I don't take care of myself while I have the opportunity.

I've resolved to not dwell on the things that no longer play a positive role in my life. These 'things' include so-called treats and I'm beginning to feel that my list is about to expand to include people who actively try to sabotage my good intentions. I know, I know, I'm not the kind of person to get that petty, I couldn't pull it off anyway - I care for everyone in my office too much to cut them out of my life. Frankly, I don't miss the treats (unless I forget to eat my yogurt before leaving the office, in which case by the time I get home I could easily devour a caseload of carb-o-sticky-sweet-something).

So... here's my dilemma: do I just graciously ignore the taunts, or do I offer them all sorts of tempting treats to sabotage their own attempts at self-restraint in the over-indulgence department? I'm torn. In a mature, rational-thinking moment, I see myself rising above the situation and gliding past the offending party, oblivious to their comments. However, right now I'm not feeling very elegant or mature. Instead, I'm feeling rather silly and vengeful at this very moment. What do I have here? Mwah-ha-ha! I've got a bag of caramel corn (ammunition) in my cabinet that needs to be consumed by mes saboteurs. GAME ON!!!

I'd better go - I'm in the mood for a food fight and I've gotta find a large bowl, ahem, canon for my ammunition!!

This Doesn't Feel Like Discipline

"What did you just do?" I asked Daniel. While I was reaching for his DS I caught a very rude gesture out of the corner of my eye. He repeated what he had just done. In my head I had to count to ten to avoid exploding. I handed him his DS, completely the opposite of what I would have done in the past, and asked him a quick question "How much do I love you?" He responded with "Forever and always, no matter what." "That's right, I'll always love you. We need to discuss what just happened, go play on your DS for now, I'll be over in a few minutes and we can talk about it."

Let me set the scene: Yesterday I was feeling under the weather and Daniel was running a low grade fever, so I stayed home with the boys for the day. It was tough in the morning trying to function. Making breakfast was a chore, walking was a chore, I just wanted to go back to sleep. My head pounded, I was in no mood to to ANYTHING. That said, life happens and I've committed myself to a new approach to interacting with and disciplining Daniel. My goal is to have him orient to me, rather than his peers. This new approach involves a lot of thinking before reacting - not the easiest thing to do when you're at the extreme end of grouchy.

A few minutes later, after I had fed Andy his breakfast and changed his diaper, I sat on the couch beside Daniel. "How's your game going? Please pause it for a moment, let's talk." To my surprise, he actually co-operated. We faced each other on the couch, sitting cross-legged. We looked at each other and chatted about the puzzle he'd just been working on. Now that all three components of 'collecting' have been covered off (eyes, smile, nod), I moved on the meat of the discussion. "Can you tell me why I might be displeased with ...?" He replied "because people think it's gross." This provided an opportunity to explain why his actions were inappropriate and allowed me to script his behaviour a little. We ended our discussion with a hug, an 'I love you' from both of us and I believe he genuinely understood the point I was trying to make.

In a nutshell here are the guidelines I used from Dr. Neufeld's lecture last Friday evening: I didn't overwork the inappropriate behaviour, but bridged it by reinforcing my unconditional love, then had my discussion with Daniel after collecting him. I even did a bit of behavioural scripting. Sounds like a lot of jargon, doesn't it? Let me explain the jargon a little bit, from my point of view. I really should check my notes before putting anything down in writing, but here goes: Overworking the incident: you know how you feel feel when someone drones on, and on, and on about something and you can hardly wait for them to shut up? That's overworking the incident. Bridging: providing a sense of continuing attachment and that together you'll cross the bridge and get beyond the incident together. Collecting: gathering the person to you, bringing them close, establishing a sense of togetherness. Scripting: "This is how we..." Some of the other guidelines were already in place such as my belief that he wants to 'be good' for me and also that I had accepted responsibility for my role in guiding the two of us through the incident without trying to punish or teach Daniel a lesson.

I've also made a point of smiling and having my eyes 'light up' when I see Daniel, and Andy too for that matter. Whether I've just come upstairs from switching a load of laundry or I'm picking them up from daycare. Dr. Neufeld's book "Hold Onto Your Kids" mentioned this in one of the first chapters. Makes perfect sense, who doesn't want to be around people that adore them? I wouldn't want to be around someone who is only annoyed or disgruntled in my presence either.

Without getting into the nitty gritty details of Daniel's inappropriate gesture, I'll just say that I'm very pleased with how our conversation went. I'm certain we came out of the incident with a stronger bond. Only a few days have passed since I've been trying to implement Dr. Neufeld's guidelines and I'm already seeing the benefits. Daniel's morning routine is much easier to deal with, neither of us are as frustrated as we had been in the past and Daniel's even interacting with Andy much more nicely now. Yesterday, for example, he taught Andy how to clap, and in the afternoon they played with blocks and balls on the living room floor together. I can sense that we're all closer. I love this - I don't want it to stop. It feels as though we're making a fresh start.

Does this work with adults? (laughing) I think I'll subtly try some of it with Daryle.

On the Level

On so many levels I’m feeling really good.

#1: Parental

I’m trying a different approach to interacting with Daniel. On Friday evening I attended a brilliant lecture with one of my best friends. The lecture, given by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, was called “Making sense of discipline”. It should be called “How to Enable Your Child to Show You How Much They Want Your Love”. He discussed the science behind the old-fashioned methods of discipline, such as spanking, yelling, time-outs, consequences, and how they don’t let us achieve the end result that we’re after (a happy, well-bonded, well-behaved child). This left me feeling “Okay, fine. I can see the logic, but now what? What are my tools to parent? How can I keep my children attached to me and keep him from becoming overly sheltered, spoiled, or continually on the defensive?” During the second half of the lecture Dr. Neufeld discussed his twelve recommendations to foster adult-child attachment. I was all ears, trying to soak up every drop of guidance. While he had no quick-n-easy fix to discipline issues, he provided information to enable parents and others that work with children to re-think how they deal with issues.

I’ve tried a few techniques with Daniel this past weekend with moderate success. Actually, I should re-evaluate my success. If I’m looking at things from the point of obtaining Daniel’s co-operation while retaining my cool and not yelling, then I had 100% success. It’s just that it wasn’t easy, I had to think and work at it, and really isn’t that what I should be doing as a loving parent? Thinking about how to interact with him without having him fear me, the consequences, or the loss of love?

#2: Professional

I’m ploughing through a lot of year-end and other day-to-day material. I’m so happy to at last see the mountain of paperwork on my desk diminish. Hard to believe, but it is actually becoming smaller! I’m also pleased to be registered to a conference in March to glean information about many HR issues: pension and benefits law, federal law, immigration law and personal privacy relating to medical information. Of particular interest will be the mock trial at lunchtime entitled: How long is long enough? When will the courts allow you to terminate for absence due to illness?

#3: Marital

I’m doing my best to re-connect with Darrell. It has been challenging for us to stay connected as a couple since becoming a family of four. I’m trying to make sure that we have some together time each week without the boys. Even if it’s just to sit and talk or make plans together. Tonight, if we can stay awake after the boys have gone to sleep, I’m going to stay with him in the living room while I hem some pants and just talk. Turn off the TV and just talk. We’ve got a weekend away planned before the end of February as well.

#4: Personal

I’m taking charge of my health and well-being. I’m pre-diabetic and embracing it! I know, it doesn’t sound like something to be stoked about, but it has become such a positive part of my life that I can’t but help feeling great about it. I’ve lost 17 pounds so far, just by monitoring what I eat. I don’t skip any meals; I don’t “do without” any food group either. I’ve just restricted the amount and type of carbs that I eat. Also, I’ve reduced the number of foods that have multiple unpronounceable ingredients. Doesn’t sound too bad, does it?

The results are lovely: I’m maintaining good blood glucose levels, losing weight at a reasonable rate and I’m feeling so much better. I didn’t realize just how poorly I had been feeling. I can wear tops and coats that I haven’t been able to wear in years! Take my pale pink wool coat for example, for years I wasn’t able to even button it up, but now I’ve got it buttoned and I’m able to wear a thick sweater underneath – at the SAME TIME! So, if you see me walking down the street in some really absurd outfit, don’t laugh, I’m just thrilled to finally be wearing something that has been hanging in my closet for years. My tummy doesn’t protrude quite as much as it did and I feel much lighter in my shoes.

#5: Decorator…al (I can’t think of a word synonymous with “decorator” that ends in “al”)

I’m doing my very best to get Daniel’s bedroom finished. I’m debating whether or not I’ll finish painting Daniel’s room myself or if I should hire someone to come in and do the painting for me. I should go with the later, as I don’t have the time to do any of the things I want to do, let alone the chores I’m not particularly good at and/or not looking forward to doing.

How are your various and sundry …als? Are you feeling good about where you’re at, where you’re headed? I’d love to hear from you.

Thit Happens

Back in December I took Daniel with me to purchase some Christmas cards.

As I was doing the usual pick-n-put-back routine, Daniel amused himself at the card display rack behind me. Standing beside me was an elderly woman that had the homemade-cookies-grandmotherly look down pat. Her neatly coiffed silvery hair and cornflower blue coat spoke "here is a pleasant and thoughtful person". She too was performing her own version of the pick-n-put-back routine.

Several minutes passed and I still didn't have any cards in my basket. I heard a giggle. Then another. Daniel had a card in his hand and he found it terribly funny. Such a sweet sounding laugh continued filling the air. The lady beside me turned to him and asked to see his card. She explained that perhaps her grandson would find it just as funny.

"What a nice boy I have" I thought as I carried on perusing the wall of cards, patting myself on the back.

Daniel handed the card to the woman. She held it for a moment, blushed and then walked away. She didn't make any comment, she certainly didn't pick up one for her grandson, she just left. Curious, I took a look at the card as Daniel continued to laugh. It had a duck on the front with "I forgot your birthday..." and printed on the inside "thit happens". No wonder the lady didn't buy one. By this point Daniel was almost peeing himself he's laughing so hard. He begged me to buy the card for him pleeeeeeeeease. Pretty pleeeeease.

Attempts to explain that the card wasn't appropriate didn't curb his enthusiasm at all. Not in the slightest. Throughout the rest of our errands, he kept repeating "thit happens" and giggling. I just prayed that nobody understood him and if they did, that they wouldn't think "what sort of mother lets her child talk like that at such a young age? Disgraceful."

How humbling. I don't think Daniel even understood what "thit" stood for. I hope. I don't want my baby understanding such things just yet. When he tells me that "stupid" is a bad word I have to smile at his innocence. He's groing up so fast - I want to keep my sweet little boy around as long as I can.