Old Post Revisited

Came across this little snippet saved as a draft. Thought you might like to see it:

______________________________________________________________

So, let me ask you...

How many pairs of pjs should the mom of a sick one-year-old have? At least 6 according to my last count.

I actually ran out of clothes on Sunday night/Monday morning. No more t-shirts, no more yoga pants, no more pj tops or bottoms. Yet my wee one's vomit continued. His stomach didn't give a rat's patootie that my entire closet was empty. Well, I wasn't about to wear my dresses or blouses to catch his ickiness, they don't count.

Or do they? There comes a point when you've gotta wear something, anything. The criteria very quickly changes from "Do I care that it might get stained?" to "Does it smell like baby puke?" If the answer is "No" then it qualifies as something to wear while helping the little one through his illness. With the new criteria established the possibilities are almost endless... formal dresses, hubby's closet, old maternity wear...

Short Story

I'm setting a time limit of 30 minutes for writing this morning and I'm going to try some fiction. Here goes:

_________________________________________


"So, how's your coffee? I'm savouring every sip of mine. It's absolutely delicious." A fleeting pleasure - I love my daily coffee.

"Hhmg."

"You sound a bubble off, what's on your mind?" It's difficult not to take his gruff response personally. Heck, I'm the one with two months left, according my oncologist. My future really must be that bleak, the doctor's don't even question my requests to increase my pain meds anymore. How can he be the one having a bad day? Regrettably, pain and bitterness increasingly leach into my these days.

"The divorce paperwork arrived this morning. All that's left to do is write my signature and it's all over with Leanne."

We've just found each other after decades of being apart and this is what he's thinking of? Leanne? He's given her a house, two beautiful children (now grown) and a Mercedes. What the hell else does he want to give her? My last few days on earth? Selfishly, I feel like time is vanishing and despite how much I want to treasure each moment I have with him, the days continue to rapidly slip by. And this is what we're talking about. Leanne. Bitch.

"I'm going back inside. You can come visit me later if you'd like, but I may be asleep. I'm feeling very tired today." My inner growl is beginning to come to the surface more frequently. I'm starting to push people away.

"What I'd like to do is to go away. Together. What do you think of Mexico?"

"Steven, I'm too sick to travel. I'd love to, but it's just not in the cards. Try as we might, we just can't run away from our problems." I'd give anything for the option to run away from cancer. Wouldn't that be nice? Take a vacation away from it...

"Heather is stopping by with the kids this afternoon... do you want to meet them?" My daughter and my darling grandchildren will stop by as usual on their way home from daycare. I can hardly bear to think of leaving them behind. But the pain is getting to be unmanageable. It has now become such a big part of my day that I have difficulty focusing on the people I love.

I'm tired.

_________________________________________


Ding! My 30 minutes is over. Time's up!

De-Cluttering

Is that even a word? De-cluttering? Probably not, but I don't have the time to check.

Recently, I've needed to weed out some of my personal items. Really personal items. You know those hidden things that reside in the very back of a drawer where you hardly ever have to see them and you hope that no one else will see them either?

Here are some items I've recently disposed of: a pregnancy test, old eye shadow, letters and notes from my youth, an unused personal organizer and many other gems that used to be tucked away out of sight. However, each of these items represented a part of me that I've been having a difficult time dealing with.

It's difficult to say why I've been holding onto the pregnancy test. When Andy was delivered by c-section last year, I had my tubes removed. Not just tied, but removed altogether. At the time Daryle and I felt that our family was complete - and it is. I'm just having a hard time reconciling myself to the fact that I can not have another child. I could with medical/surgical intervention, but not on my own. But I'm a big girl and have now tossed the pregnancy test and truthfully, I feel better for it.

The eye shadow that ended up in the bin was beautiful to look at, gorgeous jewel tones, deep and brilliant. Ancient though - I think I've had it for twenty years. Yes, it was in my possession before Daryle and I married. On that note, perhaps it represented my pre-marital freedom. I had always thought that I'd wear it to go out on the town or to the theater. Needless to say, I do neither of those activities now. A night out on the town is... my goodness, it's the annual Christmas office dinner party with my co-workers! And going to the theater is no longer on the agenda at all unless one considers Daniel's tendency for melodramatic, high energy theatrics to be audience worthy. Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather be with my family than go to the theater - most nights. Once in a blue moon would be nice though.

The letters and notes from my youth. Where do I begin? To be honest, I'm uncomfortable delving into this topic. I just can't relate to who I was back then. I don't want to have anything to do with my past, all it does is bring up bad, hurtful memories. I've moved on and become someone completely different. Shredding those old letters and notes was wonderful. I felt such a weight lifted. I wish I had done this particular task years ago. Where are my old journals? I think they're next on the shreddies list if I can find them.

As far as the personal organizer goes, I don't know why I held onto it. Junk, that's what it was. A quick reset and it's gone. Sort of. It now resides in the heap of electronic gadgets at the office that need to make the trip to the recycle depot.

I certainly feel better. I love the adrenaline rush from purging. One wouldn't know it by looking at my house, it resembles a junk heap at times, but I'm a closet purge-a-holic. Daryle doesn't like to get rid of things, so I find myself sneaking things to the office to dispose of, shred or add to the recycling heap. Terrible, and somewhat cowardly, but I just don't have the energy to argue over every tiny item leaving the house.

A Sign That Fall is Here

The title should read: Several Signs That Fall is Here.

I just came back to the office after lunch and my feet are soaking wet because of all the puddles, my glasses need to have the raindrops wiped off and finally, I almost fell on my rear-end because of all the slimy leaves piling up at the side of the road. It's hard to ignore the negative aspects of the fall, what with all the clothes we should be heaping on and stepping into. On tonight's agenda are the dubious tasks of finding my boots, an umbrella and coverings of some sort that I can throw over my office clothes. Office attire, which by the way has become increasingly unfriendly towards coats and jackets in general. My scarves, shawls and ponchos just don't fit well underneath... just about anything besides a gigantic cape. Hmm, perhaps it's time to try to make an updated cape reminiscent of the ones worn in the Jane Austen's period pieces like Sense and Sensibility or Elizabeth Gaskell's North and South . Okay, okay, the period capes warrant a complete overhaul. Imagine walking down the street wearing a full length scarlet cape with a voluminous hood. One would resemble an over sized Little-Red-Riding-Hood that had become terribly lost on the way to Grandma's house.

While I absolutely love the fall, I dislike all the dreariness that often accompanies it. I was certainly spoiled on the weekend. Phoenix' version of bad weather was having to put on some pants and a long-sleeved shirt instead of shorts and a tank top. Oh, and for those that had been out on a golf course when Sunday's morning rain hit, they had the onerous task of trying to dry out their golf gear in time for the next round. We had to endure some very tough circumstances down there. Ha!

On a more positive note about the Lower Mainland's fall, I love to see the river from my home, and that occurs only after the leaves make their annual descent. I can watch the big ships full of cars inch their way upriver or see a tug manoeuvre a log boom towards the nearby mill.

Perhaps I'll open my blinds here at the office and let in the available light - I'm in need of a little lift from Mother Nature. Another perk that accompanies the fall is being able to watch the birds en route to sunnier places. With any luck a little winged friend will stop by my window to visit on their trek south.

Lazy Daisy

Aaaahhh....

This afternoon I relaxed at the condo. Just read my book. That's it.

Sorry to not have anything interesting to report or write about, but that's all I've got for the moment.

TTFN

Last night we ate at Morton's, a very nice restaurant in Scottsdale. Very nice being an understatement. My lamb chops cost $46 and a cup of coffee was $9! The menu being 'a la carte' meant that all sides, appies, etc had to be ordered separately. Yikes! I cringe to think of what our bill came to.

The lamb was absolutely delicious though. I don't know how I ever thought I could be a vegetarian. I really enjoy meat - especially lamb, chicken, turkey and beef. My poor bod felt a little abused though this morning - too much meat clogging my insides I think. So I've eaten an apple and some yogurt with a bit of cereal on it to help my system get going again. Tonight I think I'll try a veggie meal and see if I feel better tomorrow. Oh... this is why I tried to become a vegetarian!!! To feel better. Ah-ha!

Have you ever read "The Hungry Caterpillar" to a child? The caterpillar hatches, then begins to eat some nice yummy healthy food, then the caterpillar goes berserk and eats everything under the sun and makes itself ill. Then it eats a nice green leaf and feels better before making its cocoon and turning into a butterfly. While I don't think that I'll turn into a butterfly after eating my equivalent of the green leaf, I'm positive that I'll at least feel much better!

Just as a little 'aside' I thought I'd mention the name Morton again. Throughout the meal I kept thinking to myself, "but what is the honourable Miss Morton to us when Elinor is right here?" Lines from Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility kept popping into my head throughout the evening. I had the sense though not to open my mouth and let the quotes jump out. Can't wait to get home and play the movie... it may even be in the player already waiting for me.

Well, we're off to the thrift store this morning, so I'd better go and get ready. Maybe I'll find something cute to take home. I'd really like to find some souvenirs for the boys. Some sort of really interesting toy, or maybe a new DS game. I'll have to try to check out a toy store while we're shopping.

Sunny Climes

Well, here I am in Phoenix!

After our fairly uneventful flight down to Phoenix from Vancouver, I'm getting a chance to relax and take a deep breath. With Ron and James off golfing with Doug, Marlene and I are left to our own devices. I think Marlene is having a nice sleep-in and I've just finished a bowl of cereal for breakfast.

Now the big question is: what to do with myself? I could go for a swim in the pool, sit and read my book or take a short walk over to the mall to get some shampoo, conditioner and sunblock. Decisions, decisions.

I think I'll wait until the weather warms up a little more before jumping in the pool, so that leaves me with settling in to read my book. Heaven knows I'll avoid the shopping excursion as long as humanly possible.

My poor planning for my own devices has put a wrench in the works. I forgot to bring the chargers for my mp3 player, cell phone and also the camera. What was I thinking? I did, however, bring along the charger for my DS. That would be fine if I had brought the DS as well! serves me right for packing in the dark. At the time it seemed like a good idea, what with Alex sleeping fairly soundly in his crib a few feet awy. So here I am, thousands of miles from home struggling to keep my tech devices limping along. Of course, they're all running a little low. Hopefully, I can eke out enough battery time to take a few photos and record enough of the meetings to prepare my minutes when I return to the office on Tuesday.

Well, I'm off to read my book!

Ready, Steady, Go!!!

Passport - check
Airline ticket - check
US Funds - check
Meeting agenda finalised and printed - check
Notes for my topics of discussion - check
Map to get from airport to condo - check
Family photos - check

Phoenix here I come!

It feels like it has taken me forever to get ready for this trip, but I'm finally all set to go. Just need to pack tonight and get my purse ready. Easy peasy.

The only thing that's not ready is my desk at the office. It looks like a bomb has hit! So, I must stop writing and try to plough through as much as possible.

Family Travels

Trees and rocks slip past us as our train speeds towards Calgary. The gentle rocking of the train and warmth of sunshine on my cheek lull me to sleep for a quick nap as I hold my two boys close. I'm so thankful that they're still wanting to snuggle. This closeness won't last forever, I cherish it while I can.

After our nap we make our way to the dining car. I order a V8 and a cheese sandwich. Daniel, such a predictable creature, asks for a California roll and a bowl of miso soup. Andy, still being so little, is content with mashed potatoes and gravy. We must be in the Rockies now, the mountains tower above us in their grandeur.

Of course we're all excited - we're going to meet Daryle at the train station. He's been working in Calgary for a few weeks now and we miss him terribly. The boys have been having a difficult time staying in their seats and I'm beginning to run out of the dollar store toys bought to amuse them. On the positive side, we've only got another three hours to go. As a family, we're going to play tourist in Calgary; visiting the zoo, going down to Drumheller and so on. Then we'll continue the train journey all the way to Halifax before returning by plane in a month's time.

We've been saving up for a long time for this holiday and I can hardly believe it is going so smoothly. The usual angst is missing. The children are cheerful and I'm relaxed. I think we'll try to leave the van behind more often when we go on vacation.

What is that? I hear raised voices and the train seems to be rocking a little more aggressively. The motion and noise continue to increase to the point of becoming very irritating. What is happening?

Blink. Blink.

For Heaven's sake! My eyes slowly adjust to the grey of the gloomy, rainy day. I wake up. Yes - wake up. All four of us are in the van, travelling down a very bumpy road, full of pot-holes on our way to the bottle depot. I can't believe I fell asleep! Andy's yelling away at no-one in particular and Daniel is shouting "grAAAH", to distract and amuse him. So much for my lovely holiday; instead, I get to endure the racket from the back of the van, listen to Daryle bark about how to stack cases of juice tins and count dirty, smelly bottles, and then attempt to wash my hands using cold water. Ick.

I wonder if I can return to my dream on the way home?

Seriously Hot

I'm going to be in the hot seat... seriously.

For quite a while I've been preparing for a management meeting in Phoenix. This is my opportunity to demonstrate that I'm deeply committed to my position within the company and that I bring a fresh perspective and will make significant contributions.

But... I'm not ready and I'm running out of time. The clock keeps ticking, the hands whirl around at light-speed these days. My discussion and presentation on human resource issues just isn't there yet, and I can hardly make heads-nor-tails of my notes on drugs and alcohol issues in the workplace. What am I going to do to get ready? I can't work longer hours, I have family commitments. I'll have to put off some of my usual day-to-day duties. Yikes.

Not that I'm worried that my input at the meetings won't be listened to, but I want to be as prepared and as articulate as possible. Professional. That's the image I want to be associated with. A strong, confidant woman that brings sound ideas to the table in a calm, professional manner. With supporting information, not to be researched further, but at her fingertips. I want to bring my end of the discussions back to the basics: dollars and cents. How are my suggestions going to affect the bottom line? Or to use a different process: how can I influence the implementation of something positive for all the employees here and demonstrate that the impact will result in lower expenditures for the company at the same time? How can I make my ideas irresistible?

Research, polish and practice. A former colleague used to constantly recite the 5 Ps: Proper Planning Precludes Poor Performance.

So, I'd better get back to my work - no more slacking with writing this blog today. I've got some serious work to do.

Light Streams Across the Windowsill

Light streams across the windowsill
Chasing away the shadows
From my heart that no one knows
Perhaps they will when I am still

Like an ever changing river flows
Emotions rise, fall, twist and turn
Even I cannot discern
Whither my mood goes

At times life's a struggle uphill
The weight of sadness grows
Yet on occasion Nature bestows
Upon me hope of a future still

Who Am I?

Identity crisis here I come... Who am I?

__________________________________________

I'm an important part of my family. Wife, mother, daughter, sister. The mother bear in me is cuddly and soft, but fierce when defending loved ones.

I'm a fiercely loyal friend. I want only the best for my dearest friends and would do anything for them.

I'm a devoted employee. I love my work and the people I work with are more than just co-workers, they're close friends.

I'm becoming a stronger member of the community. I volunteer with Scouts Canada, I take an active role in my neighbourhood and I have deep commitment to the ecosystem.

__________________________________________

While all of the above statements are lovely, none of them reveal anything about me. They could describe anyone. These days I feel like nobody knows me beyond my public persona. Who am I when no one is looking? When no one is needing me? When I'm just, well, me?

These are the things I'd like to do, hopefully with friends and family:

• take drumming lessons (I'd love to be in a pipe band again, this time as a snare drummer)
• cross country ski (I love the gliding across the snow, slogging up the hills, hearing the crunch of the snow, listening to the slough of snow falling from trees, seeing my breath, feeling the full-body exhaustion at the end of the day)
• work in my garden (growing my own food and creating a beautiful haven for myself and the local wildlife)
• help fight against invasive plant species
• hike in the local mountains
• attend musical events (such as the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra)
• write

So, here's my problem. How can I fulfil my commitments to family, friends, work and the community while incorporating some of my own desires? Will I be a better, happier, more well-rounded person if I focus a little bit on myself? I don't have much spare time - hardly any at all really. After a bit of soul searching I've come up with a game plan:

1) Free up some personal time: I'll finish Andy's busy book - this should free up some time once it is complete. It is almost done. I should clarify: 10 pages are almost done. My goal of 20 pages was just too lofty. The 10 pages that have already been created just need tabs sewn on each page, corrugated plastic inserted into each page's pouch, then a seam sewn across the bottom. If I get a chance to work on the other 10 pages I'll be thrilled, but I'm not going to beat myself up in the meantime.

2) Train to be in better physical shape: Each day I'll make an effort to incorporate some exercise. I need to be in much better shape if I'm going to do any hiking or cross country skiing. Leaving the van at the house and walking to daycare to pick up the boys each day is a good start. I could even take the jogger stroller and, wait for it, here it comes... jog. Note to self - must buy a better bra with more support.

3) Commit to a plan that includes an activity I want to do: I'll plan, far in advance, a day for going cross country skiing this winter. I'll go to one of the local mountains and rent a set of skis/boots/poles. The advanced planning should take care of the weekends getting away from me. I know Daryle won't want to go with me, but Daniel is now old enough and perhaps other friends and family would like to join me. We'll head out early, ski for a while in the morning, have lunch, complete with delicious sandwiches, fruit and mugs of hot chocolate. If we still have any energy left, we can ski for a little while in the afternoon.

4) Commit to writing every day: Whether at home, work or somewhere in between, I'll take the time to explore different topics. Perhaps I'll pick a theme to cover in a particular week. Who knows? The nice thing about writing is that it can be as personal or impersonal as you'd like, covering any topic under the sun, taking many different formats, styles, etc.

5) Accept that some things aren't on the agenda at the moment: It just isn't feasible right now to take up drumming. Perhaps when the boys are a little older I'll have more time to take some drum lessons. But for now, I'll be content with the occasional session of closet drumming at home.

In the meantime, in accordance with this diagram posted by a very dear friend, I'm not going to worry. I'll take action when and where I can and I won't worry about the things that are out of my control.

Sleeping With Strange Men

Hold on now! It's not what you think - REALLY!!!! Let me explain:

Recently, Daniel's Beaver Scouts went on a camping trip. At Camp Byng the children and parents were to share digs in the main lodge. Nice... an actual mattress, not a roll-up foamy to sleep on or a tent/tarp to sleep under. Heated AND out of the elements. Lovely. All for $10 plus the cost of the ferry and gas.

So, after the official camp-opening ceremony, it was a free-for-all to find somewhere to sleep. All the parents scrambled to find a bunk in one of several rooms. There was almost a bed for everybody, shy by just two. Musical chairs had taken on a new spin - musical beds. Seriously, it was quite a scramble. The last two peole had to lay a couple of mattresses on the floor of one of the larger rooms.

Daniel and I, however, were lucky to find a bunk in one of the first rooms. When I found an available bed/bunk, I threw my gear on the lower bed and Daniel's gear on the bunk above and left the room to help get lunch ready. Didn't give a second thought to the layout of the room. Didn't even notice that our bunk was butted up against another bunk, essentially creating a large bed below with divided bunks above. Didn't even cross my mind that there might be a mix of mothers AND fathers sharing the room. It was only after dinner that I went into the room to set up the sleeping bags that I realised that I'd be sharing this large 'bed' with someone. Eek! Who would be sleeping next to me? Not a matter of feet away, but inches away...

Oh dear.

After the campfire, investiture ceremony and mug of hot chocolate, people started getting ready for bed. As the children climbed into their sleeping bags in the bunks above, I was able to figure out who the other adults were that were going to be sleeping nearby. Clockwise around the room: Tony, Me, Larry, Michelle, Carolyn's Dad, Ethan's Dad, Isaac's Dad and Darlene. So, it seems I'll be sleeping between Tony and Larry, with absolutely nothing but our sleeping bags between Larry and Me. Interesting. I changed into my pink penguin fleecy pajamas (sorry, but they were the most presentable/modest in my drawer) in the bathroom and hopped into my sleeping bag with a crime novel to keep me occupied. Eventually the lights were turned off. People began drifting off to sleep. Except me. Even with my earplugs firmly squashed into my ears I couldn't sleep. Neither Tony nor Larry had turned in for the night. I pretended to be asleep when they finally came into the room at about 1:30am. They didn't leave the room to get into their jammies, so I assume that they either slept in their clothes or changed in the room. I remained motionless with my eyes closed while they climbed into bed. Weird. That's how it felt. Very weird. So I lay there in the dark with my eyes closed waiting for morning to come.

After a while I removed my earplugs. KZZZZZKKKAAAAKAKKK, SCHAAAAAAAAAAAAACK, HAAAAAAAKKKKKKZZZZZZZ... Dear Lord, I was sharing a room with a few bears. Well, either bears, a chainsaw testing facility or a bunch of freight trains. Daniel, being extremely sensitive to snoring, had climbed down the ladder and was asking for some earplugs. Extremely frustrated by the racket, he was almost in tears. Shortly, after digging around in my duffel bag for another pair of earplugs, I had him settled back into his sleeping bag. After a minute or two he fell back asleep. I popped my earplugs back in. As the foam expanded, the room's din faded... to... nothing. Peace and quiet again. Aah.


Why couldn't I fall asleep? I knew I just needed to relax; thinking about not sleeping just gets me worrying and fretting. Not helpful at all. I think I finally dozed off at around 3:30am.


On Sunday morning, much more tired than when I crawled into bed, I arose and tried to function. "How was your sleep Larry?" He replied "I slept like a baby."