Touching Base With Guidelines

I've lost my way with the new guidelines for keeping my relationship intact with Daniel and Andy. I've found myself slipping back into old, not-so-pleasant, habits. So, I need to revisit the guidelines:

1. Whenever possible, use STRUCTURE and RITUAL to impose order on behaviour.

2. ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY for doing what is in the best interests of the child and for keeping them out of trouble.

3. Always treat the child as if THEY WANT TO BE GOOD FOR YOU.

4. BRIDGE all problem behaviour and resulting discipline.

5. Always attempt to COLLECT BEFORE YOU DIRECT.

6. DEFUSE COUNTERWILL by hiding your agendas and drawing attention to a meaningless choice.

7. SCRIPT THE BEHAVIOUR of the immature.

8. DON’T OVERWORK the incident.
- Address the violation simply
- Bridge the problem behaviour
- Attempt to change or control the situation, not the child
- Set a date to debrief or address the problem
- Exit sooner rather than later
- Collect the child and do your work when you can keep the attachment intact

9. INFUSE FUN into the activity you wish to happen.

10. Walk confrontations with futility all the way to TEARS OF SADNESS.

11. SOLICIT GOOD INTENTIONS to inculcate values, prime a sense of responsibility, and sow the seeds of self-control.

12. When capable of mixed feelings, draw out the TEMPERING ELEMENT in the context of the troubling impulses. (I'm not sure what the tempering element means yet - will have to investigate further. Perhaps borrow DVD from library)

Whew, that's quite a list isn't it? It looks daunting, but let me say - it works.

But how on earth is my little pea-brain going to remember all of them? I can hardly remember where I live most days, let alone a list of twelve items. Way back, in a previous lifetime when I attended school, I used to memorise lists by repeatedly writing out whatever it was I was studying, each time I would make the item of study smaller and smaller, eventually contracting it down to a group of letters, a word, or a shape. When exam time came around I could just picture my notes and the information would come to mind. It's been a while since I've repeatedly handwritten anything, but perhaps I should try my old tried-and-true method once more.

If I'm seem walking with an empty stroller, holding onto a small tatty piece of paper and mumbling to myself it's not because I'm slightly deranged, I'm probably just on my way to pick up the boys and trying to memorize the guidelines along the way.

Not So Brilliant Parenting

Well, this morning started early. Really early. To be precise, it started at 4:43 am when Andy woke up. After the usual bottle preparation routine I thought I had him settled back down, but after a few short minutes he started screaming. Not a fussy little whine, but a full-throttle scream. He didn't want to be cuddled, didn't want his binky, he just wanted to scream - obviously he was in some discomfort. After throwing up and receiving a fresh diaper he still couldn't settle, so I gave him some Tylenol. After another half hour as I was getting ready for the day he settled and actually fell back asleep.

In the meantime though, Daniel had risen and wanted a hearty breakfast. Hearty. I don't know if toast and fresh fruit count as hearty, but he can have some oatmeal at daycare shortly to top him up. What he really wanted was pancakes. Sorry, not on a weekday. Definitely not at 5:30 am.

He then proceeded to open his Lego project and began assembling it. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, but he wouldn't put it away when it was time to leave the house. I was so tired I didn't even think of using my new guidelines to get through the situation. Ugh. I dread to think of how I sounded as I yelled "get your coat and shoes on RIGHT NOW!!!!"

When we had all piled into the van, Alex made a gurgle. Daniel poked him in the cheek. Alex started screaming again. I felt like pulling over and getting out of the van and walking home. Instead, I asked Daniel what he had done. Of course he didn't want to tell me, he was afraid I'd get mad again. Frankly, I can't blame him. I promised not to get mad, apologised for yelling at him, told him I loved him, and we moved on.

He finally told me that he had poked Andy. I didn't yell, I didn't get cross, I didn't even say "that's not nice". I did discus different ways for him to get Andy to stop gurgling, and what his role as a big brother entails, etc. I'm hoping that I didn't wreck all the progress we've made - it's so easy to fall back into bad/lazy habits. I'm not giving up though - I will keep trying.

The Flaming Garlic Toast Toss

Does your family have a history of accidental circus acts or magic tricks?

Mine does.

In the water department, there's the story of the disappearing water. I had inadvertently poured water directly into my breadmaker instead of the pan with very poor mechanical results. My cousin Ken brought the flaming taco event to our list of flame juggling acts. Oh, and I mustn't forget my entertaining exploding stove top element cover act from several years ago. Last night my parents added a new act to our list - the flaming garlic toast toss.

Earlier, they had left a voicemail message for Daniel to call them so they could wish him a happy birthday and happy Valentine's Day. Yet, when he did, the phonecall was quite odd. As I listened to the very one-sided conversation, it didn't sound like they were able to get any words in edgewise. When Daniel suddenly hung up the phone without passing it along to me I was puzzled. "Didn't they want to talk to me, Daniel?" He replied "No, they'll call back in half an hour."

How odd. They'll call back in half an hour?

When Dad called back later, after the usual discourse, he explained that they had been speaking to Daniel in the last frantic minute or two of dinner preparation. Apparently, as Daniel rambled on about his wonderful day, they had forgotten some garlic bread in the oven. Yikes! Well, what with garlic bread's combustible nature and all, it had burst into flames! With Daniel still on the phone, they frantically tried to blow out the flames - no success. Desperate to extinguish the flames, the garlic bread had been unceremoniously thrown into the sink for a good dousing, after which there was absolutely no hope of having garlic bread with their dinner. Picture the scene: charred bread slowly sogging into oblivion, the stench of smoke filling the house, unused fire extinguisher laying on the counter top, oven door left flung open after retrieval of the fiery bread, and my parents still trying to continue their conversation with Daniel so as not to douse his birthday/Valentine's enthusiasm! Oh my!

So, after getting off the phone, closing the oven door and (I'm sure) cursing at the burnt bread, Dad said that they had enjoyed a lovely steak and lobster dinner. Sure, uh-huh, right. I'm not certain that I would have been able to enjoy a meal after all that chaos.

Sweetness

Sweetness is...

... a big smooch and hug from Daryle this morning before he left for work.

... Daniel crawling into bed this morning and wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day before I've had a chance to wish him a Happy Birthday.

... Andy playing peek-a-boo with his blanket in his crib when I came to him this morning when he'd woken up.

... a co-worker placing some pink carnations on my desk at work this morning (and on Sherry's desk too - don't worry Daryle).

... Daniel listening very carefully to my explanation of why I can't eat a cookie. He had so many thoughtful questions, I'm so proud to have such a sweet and sensitive son.

I don't need chocolate or candy. I already have enough sweetness to make my Valentine's Day a very happy one!

Tempting

...or taunting?

Would you like a cookie? Have a Kit-Kat, one won't kill you. I won't tell anyone that you had a licorice. Who's gonna know?

As I'm typing I'm listening to Sloan's song, Unkind: "I don't know why you have to cross that line... you can be so kind - sometimes, and you can be unkind - sometimes"

Why do people feel compelled to tempt or taunt me? Do they think that this is a game? Perhaps they think that I'm just eating differently to lose a little weight, that my diabetes isn't something that I take seriously. I must take diabetes seriously though, the consequences of 'playing' with it are dire: organ damage, limb loss, blindness, and so on. You get the picture - the future is not pretty if I don't take care of myself while I have the opportunity.

I've resolved to not dwell on the things that no longer play a positive role in my life. These 'things' include so-called treats and I'm beginning to feel that my list is about to expand to include people who actively try to sabotage my good intentions. I know, I know, I'm not the kind of person to get that petty, I couldn't pull it off anyway - I care for everyone in my office too much to cut them out of my life. Frankly, I don't miss the treats (unless I forget to eat my yogurt before leaving the office, in which case by the time I get home I could easily devour a caseload of carb-o-sticky-sweet-something).

So... here's my dilemma: do I just graciously ignore the taunts, or do I offer them all sorts of tempting treats to sabotage their own attempts at self-restraint in the over-indulgence department? I'm torn. In a mature, rational-thinking moment, I see myself rising above the situation and gliding past the offending party, oblivious to their comments. However, right now I'm not feeling very elegant or mature. Instead, I'm feeling rather silly and vengeful at this very moment. What do I have here? Mwah-ha-ha! I've got a bag of caramel corn (ammunition) in my cabinet that needs to be consumed by mes saboteurs. GAME ON!!!

I'd better go - I'm in the mood for a food fight and I've gotta find a large bowl, ahem, canon for my ammunition!!

This Doesn't Feel Like Discipline

"What did you just do?" I asked Daniel. While I was reaching for his DS I caught a very rude gesture out of the corner of my eye. He repeated what he had just done. In my head I had to count to ten to avoid exploding. I handed him his DS, completely the opposite of what I would have done in the past, and asked him a quick question "How much do I love you?" He responded with "Forever and always, no matter what." "That's right, I'll always love you. We need to discuss what just happened, go play on your DS for now, I'll be over in a few minutes and we can talk about it."

Let me set the scene: Yesterday I was feeling under the weather and Daniel was running a low grade fever, so I stayed home with the boys for the day. It was tough in the morning trying to function. Making breakfast was a chore, walking was a chore, I just wanted to go back to sleep. My head pounded, I was in no mood to to ANYTHING. That said, life happens and I've committed myself to a new approach to interacting with and disciplining Daniel. My goal is to have him orient to me, rather than his peers. This new approach involves a lot of thinking before reacting - not the easiest thing to do when you're at the extreme end of grouchy.

A few minutes later, after I had fed Andy his breakfast and changed his diaper, I sat on the couch beside Daniel. "How's your game going? Please pause it for a moment, let's talk." To my surprise, he actually co-operated. We faced each other on the couch, sitting cross-legged. We looked at each other and chatted about the puzzle he'd just been working on. Now that all three components of 'collecting' have been covered off (eyes, smile, nod), I moved on the meat of the discussion. "Can you tell me why I might be displeased with ...?" He replied "because people think it's gross." This provided an opportunity to explain why his actions were inappropriate and allowed me to script his behaviour a little. We ended our discussion with a hug, an 'I love you' from both of us and I believe he genuinely understood the point I was trying to make.

In a nutshell here are the guidelines I used from Dr. Neufeld's lecture last Friday evening: I didn't overwork the inappropriate behaviour, but bridged it by reinforcing my unconditional love, then had my discussion with Daniel after collecting him. I even did a bit of behavioural scripting. Sounds like a lot of jargon, doesn't it? Let me explain the jargon a little bit, from my point of view. I really should check my notes before putting anything down in writing, but here goes: Overworking the incident: you know how you feel feel when someone drones on, and on, and on about something and you can hardly wait for them to shut up? That's overworking the incident. Bridging: providing a sense of continuing attachment and that together you'll cross the bridge and get beyond the incident together. Collecting: gathering the person to you, bringing them close, establishing a sense of togetherness. Scripting: "This is how we..." Some of the other guidelines were already in place such as my belief that he wants to 'be good' for me and also that I had accepted responsibility for my role in guiding the two of us through the incident without trying to punish or teach Daniel a lesson.

I've also made a point of smiling and having my eyes 'light up' when I see Daniel, and Andy too for that matter. Whether I've just come upstairs from switching a load of laundry or I'm picking them up from daycare. Dr. Neufeld's book "Hold Onto Your Kids" mentioned this in one of the first chapters. Makes perfect sense, who doesn't want to be around people that adore them? I wouldn't want to be around someone who is only annoyed or disgruntled in my presence either.

Without getting into the nitty gritty details of Daniel's inappropriate gesture, I'll just say that I'm very pleased with how our conversation went. I'm certain we came out of the incident with a stronger bond. Only a few days have passed since I've been trying to implement Dr. Neufeld's guidelines and I'm already seeing the benefits. Daniel's morning routine is much easier to deal with, neither of us are as frustrated as we had been in the past and Daniel's even interacting with Andy much more nicely now. Yesterday, for example, he taught Andy how to clap, and in the afternoon they played with blocks and balls on the living room floor together. I can sense that we're all closer. I love this - I don't want it to stop. It feels as though we're making a fresh start.

Does this work with adults? (laughing) I think I'll subtly try some of it with Daryle.

On the Level

On so many levels I’m feeling really good.

#1: Parental

I’m trying a different approach to interacting with Daniel. On Friday evening I attended a brilliant lecture with one of my best friends. The lecture, given by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, was called “Making sense of discipline”. It should be called “How to Enable Your Child to Show You How Much They Want Your Love”. He discussed the science behind the old-fashioned methods of discipline, such as spanking, yelling, time-outs, consequences, and how they don’t let us achieve the end result that we’re after (a happy, well-bonded, well-behaved child). This left me feeling “Okay, fine. I can see the logic, but now what? What are my tools to parent? How can I keep my children attached to me and keep him from becoming overly sheltered, spoiled, or continually on the defensive?” During the second half of the lecture Dr. Neufeld discussed his twelve recommendations to foster adult-child attachment. I was all ears, trying to soak up every drop of guidance. While he had no quick-n-easy fix to discipline issues, he provided information to enable parents and others that work with children to re-think how they deal with issues.

I’ve tried a few techniques with Daniel this past weekend with moderate success. Actually, I should re-evaluate my success. If I’m looking at things from the point of obtaining Daniel’s co-operation while retaining my cool and not yelling, then I had 100% success. It’s just that it wasn’t easy, I had to think and work at it, and really isn’t that what I should be doing as a loving parent? Thinking about how to interact with him without having him fear me, the consequences, or the loss of love?

#2: Professional

I’m ploughing through a lot of year-end and other day-to-day material. I’m so happy to at last see the mountain of paperwork on my desk diminish. Hard to believe, but it is actually becoming smaller! I’m also pleased to be registered to a conference in March to glean information about many HR issues: pension and benefits law, federal law, immigration law and personal privacy relating to medical information. Of particular interest will be the mock trial at lunchtime entitled: How long is long enough? When will the courts allow you to terminate for absence due to illness?

#3: Marital

I’m doing my best to re-connect with Darrell. It has been challenging for us to stay connected as a couple since becoming a family of four. I’m trying to make sure that we have some together time each week without the boys. Even if it’s just to sit and talk or make plans together. Tonight, if we can stay awake after the boys have gone to sleep, I’m going to stay with him in the living room while I hem some pants and just talk. Turn off the TV and just talk. We’ve got a weekend away planned before the end of February as well.

#4: Personal

I’m taking charge of my health and well-being. I’m pre-diabetic and embracing it! I know, it doesn’t sound like something to be stoked about, but it has become such a positive part of my life that I can’t but help feeling great about it. I’ve lost 17 pounds so far, just by monitoring what I eat. I don’t skip any meals; I don’t “do without” any food group either. I’ve just restricted the amount and type of carbs that I eat. Also, I’ve reduced the number of foods that have multiple unpronounceable ingredients. Doesn’t sound too bad, does it?

The results are lovely: I’m maintaining good blood glucose levels, losing weight at a reasonable rate and I’m feeling so much better. I didn’t realize just how poorly I had been feeling. I can wear tops and coats that I haven’t been able to wear in years! Take my pale pink wool coat for example, for years I wasn’t able to even button it up, but now I’ve got it buttoned and I’m able to wear a thick sweater underneath – at the SAME TIME! So, if you see me walking down the street in some really absurd outfit, don’t laugh, I’m just thrilled to finally be wearing something that has been hanging in my closet for years. My tummy doesn’t protrude quite as much as it did and I feel much lighter in my shoes.

#5: Decorator…al (I can’t think of a word synonymous with “decorator” that ends in “al”)

I’m doing my very best to get Daniel’s bedroom finished. I’m debating whether or not I’ll finish painting Daniel’s room myself or if I should hire someone to come in and do the painting for me. I should go with the later, as I don’t have the time to do any of the things I want to do, let alone the chores I’m not particularly good at and/or not looking forward to doing.

How are your various and sundry …als? Are you feeling good about where you’re at, where you’re headed? I’d love to hear from you.

Thit Happens

Back in December I took Daniel with me to purchase some Christmas cards.

As I was doing the usual pick-n-put-back routine, Daniel amused himself at the card display rack behind me. Standing beside me was an elderly woman that had the homemade-cookies-grandmotherly look down pat. Her neatly coiffed silvery hair and cornflower blue coat spoke "here is a pleasant and thoughtful person". She too was performing her own version of the pick-n-put-back routine.

Several minutes passed and I still didn't have any cards in my basket. I heard a giggle. Then another. Daniel had a card in his hand and he found it terribly funny. Such a sweet sounding laugh continued filling the air. The lady beside me turned to him and asked to see his card. She explained that perhaps her grandson would find it just as funny.

"What a nice boy I have" I thought as I carried on perusing the wall of cards, patting myself on the back.

Daniel handed the card to the woman. She held it for a moment, blushed and then walked away. She didn't make any comment, she certainly didn't pick up one for her grandson, she just left. Curious, I took a look at the card as Daniel continued to laugh. It had a duck on the front with "I forgot your birthday..." and printed on the inside "thit happens". No wonder the lady didn't buy one. By this point Daniel was almost peeing himself he's laughing so hard. He begged me to buy the card for him pleeeeeeeeease. Pretty pleeeeease.

Attempts to explain that the card wasn't appropriate didn't curb his enthusiasm at all. Not in the slightest. Throughout the rest of our errands, he kept repeating "thit happens" and giggling. I just prayed that nobody understood him and if they did, that they wouldn't think "what sort of mother lets her child talk like that at such a young age? Disgraceful."

How humbling. I don't think Daniel even understood what "thit" stood for. I hope. I don't want my baby understanding such things just yet. When he tells me that "stupid" is a bad word I have to smile at his innocence. He's groing up so fast - I want to keep my sweet little boy around as long as I can.

Relax

Take a deep breath and exhale slowly then visualize this:

The warmth of the sun warms your shoulders while your toes sink into soft warm sand. Take another breath, this time you breathe the refreshing salty sea air, sweetened by the scent of nearby flowers. As you walk along the beach a light mist carried on the ocean's breeze gently kisses your face. Wispy clouds stretch out to the horizon. The slow lapping of waves on the shore sooth your soul.

Are you there? Can you hear the gulls calling as they circle overhead? I hope you feel a little more relaxed, I do.