I haven't nursed or pumped since yesterday morning. I'm not happy about it, but I'm not terribly upset about it either. However, I am feeling a little glum.
I know, I know. To many people, nursing a baby is considered a bit of an indulgence, almost selfish. Baby will do just fine without feeding directly from its mother is what I've been told recently. Babies have been surviving very well for decades on formula without any issues. Baby's big brother is just fine and he was fed solely with formula. True, my first baby wouldn't nurse and he is certainly a healthy, happy 7-year-old boy now. But I can't help feeling a sense of loss at the prospect of never nursing Andy again. My milk filling his little tummy, the comfort both of us receive from being snuggled so close together, etc. However, as schedules and the demands placed on me have changed recently, nursing has become more of a chore. Andy hasn't nursed from me for over a week and pumping takes so much time. After a rough night, of which there are many, I would really rather sleep a half hour longer than sit on the loveseat and pump milk. Then at the end of an always-frantic day, rather than topple into bed to catch a few winks, I have to pump then store some milk.
Enough. I've had enough and right now seems like a good time to go through the agonies of drying up. I wish I had the luxury of staying home with Andy for the entire year of maternity leave, but that's just not feasible. I wish I didn't have to go on a business trip in the next few days either, but I have to go - it is part of my job now that I'm the office manager at work. I wish I had more time to pump and weren't rushed for time at the beginning or end of the day.
All these thoughts were running through my head tonight as I sat beside my father as he drove us back to the house after the final event of the Sechelt Writers' Festival tonight. I actually felt a little surprised about how emotional I feel about stopping nursing. Looking out the window, I felt a tear trickle down my cheek.
Am I doing the right thing? Will Andy be able to produce enough antibodies of his own to fight off colds and viruses? Will I put all the weight back on that I had lost? Will I be able to control my incessant eating habits? So many questions to which I don't have the answers.
It is a tough decision. No doubt about it. The questions you posed at the end of your blog are real and difficult to answer. I wish I had some answers for you. Instead, I can lend only an ear. I wish I could tell you that you will know when you are ready to wean completely. But, I really don't know if that's true. Even after nursing my first two for 2 years, I still had mixed feelings when I finally stopped. You are right though, he will be okay with whatever you decide. I hope you enjoy a quiet couple of days. It will be difficult, but try to enjoy.
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