I'm on top of the world this morning - I was able to see my toothbrush! Let me put this into context: on the weekend my toothbrush had essentially disappeared, to the point that I put the toothpaste on the wrong side, only to realize my mistake when I put it into my mouth. Ha!
Yellow's back again as well. I saw it briefly Tuesday morning, much to my delight. I hope it stays around for more than a couple of hours this morning. Even if it vacates the building again though, I'm hopeful that I will see it again soon.
It has been a busy couple of weeks, trying to get to the bottom of what's going on with my sight. Here's my timeline of what's been happening:
Monday, 5-14-12: noticed that my computer screen looked a little odd. It was as though the white background was trying to engulf the black text. Yellows and light colours seemed blindingly bright, while the dark colours appeared darker than usual.
Wednesday, 5-16-12: made optometrist appointment for following Tuesday
Friday, 5-18-12: called optometrist in desperation to see them earlier - no luck
Monday, 5-21-12: beginning to have difficulty driving, Daryle had to take over
Tuesday, 5-22-12: optometrist suspects optic neuritis - referral to Dr Anderson at St Paul's Hospital (SPH). Eyes otherwise healthy, field of vision not good, prescription changes ineffective, borderline for driving.
Wednesday, 5-23-12: vision worse this morning. Saw Dr Yang @ clinic (recommended going to emergency to get to a specialist more quickly). Back to work for morning, then drove home to park the van. Walked to have hot-lunch with Daniel. Daryle picked me up from the school and took me to emergency. ER sent me to Dr Tsuyuki who came to the same conclusions as optometrist and recommended that I see Dr Anderson as well. In the meantime I heard from Dr Anderson's office and had an appointment for 9:00 the next day.
Thursday, 5-24-12: vision worse this morning. Appointment with Dr Anderson was frustrating in that I had to go through some tests for the third time in three days: field of vision, colour plates, basic eye exam, etc. Was hoping to have some different tests performed, but such was not the case. Dr Anderson wanted an urgent CT Scan done, but his receptionist wasn't able to get anything before June 7th. She was able to make an appointment for a Vision Evoking Potentials test for the 28th and a followup appointment with Dr Anderson for June 7th. Very emotional night - felt like I was going blind and the medical system just didn't give a damn. With my vision diminishing each day, I was truly panicking.
Friday, 5-25-12: better grip on myself today - not quite so emotional. Made arrangements for a CT Scan at office in False Creek in the afternoon (love the private system, too bad it's so expensive).
Monday, 5-28-12: VEP test (alternating checkerboard) this afternoon. After the test Ted made arrangements for me to follow up with Dr Anderson the next morning at 8:30.
Tuesday, 5-29-12: Saw yellow for a few hours this morning! Also saw whole birds in the sky, instead of the glimmer that a bird may have flown by, that I've been seeing lately. Dr Anderson's office. VEP test showed that the signals from my eyes are delayed in getting to my brain, indicating demyelination of optic nerves which falls in line with either a viral infection or MS. OCD test performed again to check retina. Scheduled for Goldman test on June 7th and need to arrange an MRI.
Wednesday, 5-30-12: no improvement this morning. Trying to make MRI appointment, no success yet. Hope to hear tomorrow about appointment.
Throughout all of this activity, I've been trying to keep life as normal as possible, working whenever I can, exercising, cooking and caring for my family. All of these have been challenging. At work my screen settings have been changed to high-contrast, extra large font in addition to using magnifiers. I've been itching to use my new Zumba DVD, so I tried to follow it the other night - hilarious. So I had Daniel join me in the hopes of following his moves. Wrong, trying to follow an uncoordinated 8 year-old's moves while keeping an eye on the screen was dizzying! Even cooking is different. For example, I can't see where the knife blade is on a tomato or how big the slices are. Also, red and brown look the same (a big issue when cooking burgers). Personal care has also presented a few challenges: I can't see my own face and nails, let alone see Andy's nails well enough to trim them. Perhaps we'll be heading to a salon for a pedicure in the near future. There's gotta be an upside here somewhere.
Today, I'm just hoping to hold onto the colour yellow and not use my magnifiers quite so much. Fingers crossed.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
No Less Alarmed
Well, other than being assured that my actual eyeballs are fine, I'm no further ahead in figuring out what is happening to my sight.
My optometrist performed all the usual tests (checking blood vessels, peripheral vision, pressure, prescription...) and found nothing conclusive. Here's what was discovered: my vision has rapidly deteriorated to the point where if it gets any worse I need to stop driving. My vision is now border-line for being able to operate a vehicle. Yikes. She didn't want to speculate as to the cause of what is going on, but used the term optical neuritis a few times. Then she stopped talking, saying that she didn't want to unduly alarm me. Too late - I'm already there.
I hope to hear from the specialist soon. Before I can't see at all.
I don't want to wallow, but... BLOODY HELL!!! I have things to do, I'm just getting going, picking up speed. These are some of the things I was looking forward to in my life in the near future: becoming a cub scout leader, volunteering on the school PAC, running again (just bought new funky runners), continuing to manage the office at work, possibly participate with Andy in a documentary that I've been contacted about, participate in a focus group on property tax assessment... the list goes on and on. I don't have time for this!!!
Deep breath. I need to focus on the here and now. I'm going to sign off, finish some work at the office, pick up the boys, and then make dinner. I'm not deeply religious, but I feel that we're given what we can cope with. New realities become our revised version of normal, we carry on. We have to, the alternative sucks.
My optometrist performed all the usual tests (checking blood vessels, peripheral vision, pressure, prescription...) and found nothing conclusive. Here's what was discovered: my vision has rapidly deteriorated to the point where if it gets any worse I need to stop driving. My vision is now border-line for being able to operate a vehicle. Yikes. She didn't want to speculate as to the cause of what is going on, but used the term optical neuritis a few times. Then she stopped talking, saying that she didn't want to unduly alarm me. Too late - I'm already there.
I hope to hear from the specialist soon. Before I can't see at all.
I don't want to wallow, but... BLOODY HELL!!! I have things to do, I'm just getting going, picking up speed. These are some of the things I was looking forward to in my life in the near future: becoming a cub scout leader, volunteering on the school PAC, running again (just bought new funky runners), continuing to manage the office at work, possibly participate with Andy in a documentary that I've been contacted about, participate in a focus group on property tax assessment... the list goes on and on. I don't have time for this!!!
Deep breath. I need to focus on the here and now. I'm going to sign off, finish some work at the office, pick up the boys, and then make dinner. I'm not deeply religious, but I feel that we're given what we can cope with. New realities become our revised version of normal, we carry on. We have to, the alternative sucks.
Nervous, Worried
I don't know what to say. I'm quite worried about my sight.
I'm going to see my optometrist at 11:00 this morning. Best case scenario: give it time, your sight will get better in a few days. Worst case scenario: you've permanently damaged your eyes and you're going blind (little melodramatic - no?)
This has come on so suddenly. I noticed it when I began work last Monday morning. It got progressively worse through the week and I've got big problems this morning, just over a week later.
My reality is such that I can barely see my computer screen - I can barely see the words I'm typing. Colours are slowly vanishing - they've been reduced to various shades of grey. On the weekend, for example, when I tried to play I-spy with Daniel, I couldn't tell that the item he was spying was even green - it looked dark grey to me. This morning I thought I had taken my dark blue sweater out of closet and only realized that I had my grey sweater on when there was no tie to wrap around me.
I took the family for a drive yesterday. I wanted to "kidnap" Daryle and the boys and go to Fort Langley. But as I drove along it became such a strain, both on my eyes and on my nerves. I was unable to see how much fuel I have and the speedometer is very difficult to see. I felt worried that I'd miss observing some critical event that I should be able to avoid, but wouldn't be able to see and react to quickly enough to avoid an accident. I asked Daryle to drive and after we switched seats I quietly cried, tears welling up.What am I going to do if I'm going blind?
I need to be strong - I can't let anyone know I'm so worried. But I don't think I can carry on hiding it for long.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Progress - Slowly But Surely
I'm not diabetic.
That was my mindset when I began my type 2 diabetic journey earlier this year. Since then I've come to terms with diabetes being part of my life. In fact, I'm beginning to appreciate that I'm very lucky - at this point I'm med-free. That said, I won't fight the meds when the time comes. Initially, it felt very strange to focus on my own needs. I had always put myself at the bottom of the priority heap, but it feels good to focus on my own health and I'm feeling stronger. Happier.
Meal decisions are becoming easier. Easier being the key word. I no longer yearn for what others are eating. Who am I kidding? To be honest I don't yearn quite as much. Frankly, I would still like that pizza, hamburger bun or the handful of caramel corn. Despite my initial reluctance, I'm finding that lettuce wraps, salads and the like are quite tasty. Mom would be proud.
Two of the biggest lifestyle changes I've made have been diet, of course, and exercise now plays a big role in my day. As the pounds are falling off with my improved eating habits, I'm feeling more inclined to stretch my arms and legs. I've morphed into that annoying enthusiastic mother at scouts meetings that actively participates in EVERYTHING. The more physical the activity, the better. My son's school occasionally has parent participation gym class; so I've been joining him for Zumba whenever my work schedule permits. I haven't had this much fun being active since I was a teen!
Let's see, what other progress have I made? A more polite person has emerged. Instead of my previous response of "Are you trying to kill me?" when a person offered a treat, these days I'd be more likely to say "None for me please, but thank-you for offering."
A monitoring mantra has also emerged: "It'll be over in less than a minute." I've found that keeping tabs on bgs is key (despite my doctor's instruction that I don't need to test - sheesh). My willpower just isn't strong enough to do away with testing. If I know I won't be testing before or after a meal I find myself slipping into former bad habits. So silly, I know there's no fooling my pancreas or liver, but it feels like a "free" meal. The testing process has been an issue. Who out there truly enjoys testing? Nobody. It's not that it is terribly time consuming or excruciatingly painful. It's just one more thing to do, amongst a thousand other things to do.
Motivation to "walk the walk" will be key in the future. I'm far from perfect (who is?) and I've got a long road ahead of me on my diabetic journey. In the meantime, day by day, I'm making progress.
That was my mindset when I began my type 2 diabetic journey earlier this year. Since then I've come to terms with diabetes being part of my life. In fact, I'm beginning to appreciate that I'm very lucky - at this point I'm med-free. That said, I won't fight the meds when the time comes. Initially, it felt very strange to focus on my own needs. I had always put myself at the bottom of the priority heap, but it feels good to focus on my own health and I'm feeling stronger. Happier.
Meal decisions are becoming easier. Easier being the key word. I no longer yearn for what others are eating. Who am I kidding? To be honest I don't yearn quite as much. Frankly, I would still like that pizza, hamburger bun or the handful of caramel corn. Despite my initial reluctance, I'm finding that lettuce wraps, salads and the like are quite tasty. Mom would be proud.
Two of the biggest lifestyle changes I've made have been diet, of course, and exercise now plays a big role in my day. As the pounds are falling off with my improved eating habits, I'm feeling more inclined to stretch my arms and legs. I've morphed into that annoying enthusiastic mother at scouts meetings that actively participates in EVERYTHING. The more physical the activity, the better. My son's school occasionally has parent participation gym class; so I've been joining him for Zumba whenever my work schedule permits. I haven't had this much fun being active since I was a teen!
Let's see, what other progress have I made? A more polite person has emerged. Instead of my previous response of "Are you trying to kill me?" when a person offered a treat, these days I'd be more likely to say "None for me please, but thank-you for offering."
A monitoring mantra has also emerged: "It'll be over in less than a minute." I've found that keeping tabs on bgs is key (despite my doctor's instruction that I don't need to test - sheesh). My willpower just isn't strong enough to do away with testing. If I know I won't be testing before or after a meal I find myself slipping into former bad habits. So silly, I know there's no fooling my pancreas or liver, but it feels like a "free" meal. The testing process has been an issue. Who out there truly enjoys testing? Nobody. It's not that it is terribly time consuming or excruciatingly painful. It's just one more thing to do, amongst a thousand other things to do.
Motivation to "walk the walk" will be key in the future. I'm far from perfect (who is?) and I've got a long road ahead of me on my diabetic journey. In the meantime, day by day, I'm making progress.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
In My Head - Music That Is
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen!!!
I've disappeared into music-land for the last little while and am just emerging to find that spring has sprung and a couple of months have... vanished. Music-land these days is a full body immersion into Canadian Indy music. Think Jeremy Fisher, Said the Whale, Mother Mother, Portage and Main, Joel Plasket, Sloan, Jill Barber and so on.
Meanwhile, what has been accomplished while listening to all this great music? I'm now caught up at work, relatively speaking. My dishes at home get done with a smile and I think I move more. My poor aching body tells me I'm moving more. Oh my bones! Oh my muscles! When the tunes aren't playing, they linger in my mind. I can't help but sing, hum, whistle and drum out my new-found melodies. I sense a re-emergence of my drumsticks and getting to know my new ukulele intimately. Ah, happiness. I dance and sing with the boys, hum while I walk and sing particular song lyrics to reflect my moods and thoughts.
Speaking of moving more, have you tried Zumba? My son, Daniel, has been asking me to join him for Zumba at school. I expected an event; something more than just a grade 2 gym class. I thought there were going to be many parents and children Zumba-ing together in the gym. I arrived at the school just as the children were filing into the gym, lining up in long rows and swinging their arms around to ensure ample room for their Zumba moves. Daniel shouted "Mommy, over here! Come stand with me!" Really? In amongst all the kids? A nod from the gym teacher, Mr. Clicks-the-Camera-a-Lot, and I headed over. Feeling somewhat like Gulliver amongst the Lilliputians, I positioned myself amid the throng of excited 8 year-olds, between Daniel and Marcus from Beavers. I think there were 3 other moms, maybe. Sensibly, they stayed at the back of the pack, clearly not willing to humiliate themselves in the middle of the throng.
Oh well, what the heck. If I'm going to Zumba with Daniel, I'm going to do it wholeheartedly. Right beside him. The instructor began the workout, the music tempo picked up. I looked around to see if everyone was having a good time and all the kids and adults, myself included, were smiling. This was fun! In keeping with my "I will participate fully and enjoy myself" motto I found myself doing robot, bangra, cowboy, hip-hop and other unidentifiable moves. Not well, mind you, but with enthusiasm. Does that count? Daniel, you can invite me to Zumba anytime. I had a lot of fun. Hopefully I didn't embarrass you too badly.
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